My jokes

What do the Twin Towers and my ex have in common?

They both fell on my dad.

I gave my sister a compliment and said she's pretty, then while she was saying thanks, I said, "pretty ugly."

Me: You are pretty. Her: Thanks. Me: Pretty ugly.

I hate family reunions. I see too many of my exes there.

Wanna know what an orphan's least favorite song is?

"More Than My Hometown."

What do youuuuuuuuuuu Oh f***, my mom is gonna kill me! My shit is stuck on the toilet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.

She said help, so I kicked her.

My grandma stubbed her toe in an elevator on September 21st.

My friend said not to look down on me. I said I can't because I'm shorter than her.

There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.

I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

Which was good. He died during 9/11.

"Police control! Have you been drinking?"

"Go Pikachu! Thunder Clap!"

"Did you just throw a hamster at my head?"

My mom loves balls.

But my dad has been gone for the last 4 years.

My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.

My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"

I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"

Do you like my a-corn-y jokes?

You are like my girlfriend: imaginary and non-existent.

Kid: I got homework.

Mom: Ok, so?

Kid: I got a F in my balls.

I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.

So my friend died. I was at her casket. I said I'll see you on the other side, so I went to the other side of the casket.

I didn’t realize I had to put jokes into categories, my bad.

Unleash the jokers...👍