My jokes

"Hey, Firesharky... How did you know if I was your brother when I'm not? You didn't even say my name, and plus, I'm lying about my name."

My friend: You're ugly.

The orphanage: That's what I said to all my children.

Do nut get in my way.

Okay, I'm on my last nerve when people say "Water Shark Guy" and other things THAT ARE NOT MY NAME.

This is my name: watersharky!

Friend (Evan): Did you do some dumb shit?

Me: Hell yeah.

Friend (Evan): Did you get us both in trouble?

Me: Hell yeah.

Friend (Evan): Will I still help you because you are my best friend?

Both: FUCK YEAH!

Do nut get in my way.

Hey guys, I'm back. I was grounded by my grandfather, so, yeah.

My speech impediment has gotten so worse that I stutter when typing sentences.

I had something about tripping over ice.

Well, it slipped my mind, so I'll just test some diamonds to see if they're ice.

I feel weird to ask this, but can anyone guess my real name?

#Imbored

My nuts hurt; if you pull them, I will scream.

My nuts tickle; scratch them, and I won’t like you no more.

My pet parrot had an accident and lost both his wings... he is being very brave about it though... he is totally unflappable.

Mommy sits on my potty and sings a song about poop.

My bad, I kick me bad in if balls, and he got so fucking mad.

There was a big problem yesterday.

My dishwasher has stopped working; her visa had expired.

I just wanted to say whoever is a faker pretending to be me, that you are literally ruining my life right now. And I can literally not take this right now in life and that I just want peace so please, please stop.

Prince, please talk to me for real...

Let's sort this out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please, please answer me. I need an answer!!!!!!!!!!!! BTW, Princess, my name is Gwen, and I am not a faker!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I swear I'm the real Gwen! I swear on my life!"

Q: My scale had my phone number on it. Wandering why, I looked up only to see an elephant in my face...

Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.

So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...