My Jokes

I went to my girlfriend's house one day in Alabama when I met her brother. He said, "Well, I guess there's no more you stuck in the dryer."

My best opinion: when life goes to hell, you just go down with it.

Some kid: Hey, did you know there's an orphanage down the street?!

Me: NO WAY! Wanna check it out?

Kid: NO, IT'S HAUNTED!!

Me: Haunted my ass, let's go!

Kid: Wait, isn't your house also haunted???

Me: Yea

I woke up today, and my mom said it was 1940.

I didn’t realize I had to put jokes into categories, my bad.

Unleash the jokers...👍

A sidewalk with a large, phallic-shaped hole, accompanied by the text "Fell over on my morning walk. 😬"

Some weird kid came into school today with his tagging gun. He tagged my friend really good. At the end, he tagged 12 students and 1 teacher. VICTORY ROAYAL ✌

I took my girlfriend to the beach, and a marine biologist thought she was a beluga whale.

Mommy sits on my potty and sings a song about poop.

Peanuts are hard to crack, just like my ex-wife's heart.

Deku: Hey Todoroki, are you done with your Halloween costume?

Todoroki: Yes. *comes out in a macaroni outfit*

Deku: Wha- I'm todoroni.

Bakugo: OMFG, I'm out! *blows up UA*

Do you know how I lost my music teacher job?

I tried to hit G by putting D.

Are you dead? Because you look like my dog.

My name is Devonair.

When I get a haircut, it's always bald.

Kids make fun of me, they call me "dang-near bald head."

My name is Devonair *dev-on-near*

I always thought they were making fun of me because of my name pronounced near.

Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.

So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...

My ex misses me, but her aim is getting better.

One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek, and she said: "You're getting warmer!"

There was a big problem yesterday.

My dishwasher has stopped working; her visa had expired.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

I told my sister that when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you're going to have smelly fingers in the morning, and I've never heard her laugh so hard in my life.