My jokes

I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.

My friends' titties are bigger than my sakuras.

Say the drive through at McDonald's, order (don't say the sake) but when you get it ask them, "My sake?" and say, "Sake that ass."

True story: my math teacher Mr. Ueberoth accidentally marked a Kahoot as 100 points in Google Classroom instead of 10. If he doesn't find out, the grades will be more hyperinflated than Zimbabwe's economy.

What's the difference between me and an orphan?

At least my dad came back.

My emo friend got jealous when my phone died.

Wanna suck my dick?

No? Well then I'm gonna go hang.

My uncle died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.

I laughed at my life so hard.

My balls.

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

What do youuuuuuuuuuu Oh f***, my mom is gonna kill me! My shit is stuck on the toilet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.

My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.

She said help, so I kicked her.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

My friend: Hey, why are you always smiling?

Me: 'Cause life is a joke and we’re all slacking it off.

There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.

My forehead blew up because I saw yours at the forehead shop!

My mom loves balls.

But my dad has been gone for the last 4 years.