My jokes

Hey, that's the thing my grandpa has. They say that to treat it, I should call him a bitch!

I was walking in a park today and a little girl I asked, "Where are your parents?" She said, "Gone. My dad went to go get the milk and never came back," and I said, "Oof."

"Nancy be like I sucked my way to the top."

I threw my boomerang and now I live in constant fear.

I was hit by a car. Later, my ex lost her bus job.

I will remember my auntie's last words: "If you shoot me, your p-nis is small!"

(gun shot)

What's the difference between a goat and a sex slave?

I don't have a slave in my sex dungeon.

Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.

My friend bought a Tom Holland blanket and I said, "Well, now you're sleeping with him."

People joking about 9/11.

Random kid: "You shouldn’t joke about that! I lost my dad on 9/11."

Oh.

"Yeah, he was the greatest pilot ever!"

I don't joke about 9/11 because I lost my dad. He was the best pilot I ever knew.

Anonymous 1: Why are you crying?

Anonymous 2: No, buddy, come to my finral.

I didn't steal it. 🌚

Why did Stephan Hawking not turn up to the meeting?

His internet connection ran out.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

What's the difference between a sex slave and a goat?

I don't have a sex slave in my basement...

My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!

"OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!"

I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.