My jokes

So I got my brother a jumping castle for his birthday. That bitch cried in his wheelchair.

My grandfather told me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My friend: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: No.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because you are a joke.

Friend: Your life is too...

Me: :)

Friends :)

Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.

My ex got hit by a bus yesterday. I nearly lost my job.

Me: What did my sister do when she dressed up as Elsa and I gave her a balloon?

You: What?

Me: She let it go, let it go!

I made this game called Ligma. Say it, "Ligma."

Lick my balls.

My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.

My mum said not to walk the streets because I won't find home the next day. I was an orphan.

My girlfriend's name is Candice.

Can these nuts fit in your mouth? :D

I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.

Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*

All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?

People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!

People I say no to: (⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)

My family was like dinosaurs when they got COVID.

They both went extinct.

I walk into my driveway. Stephen Hawking is on my roof.

Oh wait, never mind, he just fell.

My friend said she was tired of seeing me every day.

So I pushed her off the side of a cliff.

I wanted to fall off a cliff, sadly, there aren't any cliffs near my house.

I was hit by a car. Later, my ex lost her bus job.

Why did the chicken cross the road to get to the gay man's house?

Knock knock, it's the gay man. There's a chicken at my house.

I like my woman how I like my wine, just under 2 years old.

I threw my boomerang and now I live in constant fear.