My jokes
9 months before I was born,
I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom.
Site nearly as dead as my trim.
I like my women how I like my wine: 12 years old and locked in a cellar.
In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.
Yo mama's so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.
I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, because I need new parts for my go-kart.
What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?
"Excuse me, you're in my sun (son)."
A burglar breaks into a weapons engineer's house, hoping to loot the high-tech arsenal. Suddenly, the engineer yells from upstairs, "Hey! Stop right there!"
The burglar, trying to play tough, screams, "Hands up! I know you've got the goods! Open the armory or I'll shoot!"
The engineer, trembling, cries, "Okay, okay! Don't shoot! I'll give you everything, even my latest prototype!"
The burglar, eyes gleaming with greed, demands, "Prove it! Let me see this fancy new gun first!"
The engineer points to a target range. "It's a plasma blaster," he claims. "Go ahead, give it a shot."
The burglar aims at the bullseye, pulls the trigger, and—BANG!—the gun fires directly into his own chest.
As the thief collapses, the engineer cackles, "Surprise! It's not plasma; it's my new 'Reverse-Recoil Special,' specifically designed for uninvited guests!"
What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?
Only one moans when I put my meat in it.
All these jokes are plane wrong. My uncle died in 9/11. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.
The guy in the wheelchair at my gym can do so many pull-ups with the wheelchair on, but I said to him, "Don't skip leg day."
Bully: Oh, look at your shoes, look at your pants, look at your shirt, ay, ay, ay.
Me: Ding, ding, sing, oh, did you hear that? It's the elevator 'cause you're not on my level.
Bully: u_u ......
Crowd: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, “Who created the Earth?” And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, “MY GOD!” And the teacher says, “Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth.” Sally sits down.
Then, the teacher asks, “Where do you go after you live a good life?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, “HEAVENS TO BETSY!” And the teacher says, “Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life.” Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.
And then, the teacher asks the class, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around, and says, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I’m gonna lose it!” And the teacher faints.
My friend is gonna release an air strike. There has to be at least 20 confirmed toilet kills.
I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
What do a blackjack dealer and my uncle have in common?
They both hit me face down on the table.
My wife is so fat! I took her to the Grand Canyon. She fell in and got stuck!
What's the difference between a boomerang and my dad?
My dad came back!
A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The guy behind the bar says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets!"
When a woman decides to abort, it is called a decision, but when I run my truck into a playground of kids, it is called murder.