My jokes

I braced myself when I got in the car, but then I realized my wife wasn't driving.

My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.

My bad, but you stink so bad you passed by a trashcan and it yelled, "Wow! I didn't know I had family!"

My grandma's got 99 problems, but a fat butt ain't one of 'em.

When my friend fell, I didn't crack up, but the sidewalk did.

Silly joke! Where’s my natcho? You have it :excuse me it’s nacho cheese 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

Mom: Do I look fat in my dress?

Child: Nah... you look fat in every dress!

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

My wife is so fat! I took her to the Grand Canyon. She fell in and got stuck!

My wife is so fat, she gets weighed on the Richter scale.

My wife is so fat. She jumped up in the air and got stuck.

My wife is the only person that has "missing" posters attached to her ass.

My wife is so fat! She wears high heels, she strikes oil.

When she sits around the house, she really sits *around* the house. Every time she turns around, it's her birthday.

My favorite book is "Brown Spots on the Ceiling" by Ho Fung Poo.

I see my friends at school. They talk to me, they go back to class, but they forgot I am their classmate, and they were like, "You're a dumbie." And I was, "Well, you're a dumbass, bi***!"

Your mum is so fat, when she was in front of my apartment, I couldn't get in.

Your hairline is so far back my grandpa saw it before you!