My jokes

I'll remember my last words... "Sorry, I'm not sorry!"

I would tell you a story of my dad... If I knew who he was.

Sean's hairline recedes faster than my grades.

There's a girl I like in my school, but she's always on her phone. It seems that I can't get a SIGNAL from her.

I am a George Formby fan, and I love football. My favourite manager was Arsène Wenger. My favourite referee was Collina. My favourite player was Dean Windas. So my favourite George Formby song was "Wenger, Collina, Windas."

I was talking to a Muslim yesterday, and he asked me what it's like to be blind.

I happened to tell him about 20 jokes; in fact, I was working on my twentieth. So I answered with, "At least I don't have to screw in light bulbs. It's not like I need the damn things anyway."

I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

I think someone must've poached it.

I tried my best to think of some puns, but I'm gonna have tibia honest: I don't have any puns left, but I'm pretty sternum, so I'll think of a few puns here and there. It took a lot of spine to do this.

I like my women like I like my wine: 12 years old, in the basement, and locked up.

What’s the difference between a pile of babies and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Roses are red, violets are blue, My heart is dead, I’m such a fool.

I love my new phone.

My acquaintance, William.

My mental health.

I hate when my father doesn't cook me cocktails for tea.

If my son was a real man, I wouldn't have caught him fucking another man.

My friend said, “there shouldn’t be discrimination, just black and normal.”

That was also the same guy who said [link to joke].

My boyfriend always likes when I wear my fishnet sleeves. He says it looks great on me, but he doesn’t know that my skin is covered with scars... no one does. No one questions why I wear them everyday. I hope it stays like that because I can’t deal with my mom finding out that I still hurt myself.

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance on the cliff, so I pushed her over because I lost my balance!