My jokes

I asked the emo at my school if he got jealous when his phone died.

I got jealous when my phone died.

What's the difference between a goat and a sex slave?

I don't have a slave in my sex dungeon.

Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.

How do I make my dick disappear?

I put it in your dad.

I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.

I wanted to fall off a cliff, sadly, there aren't any cliffs near my house.

I threw my boomerang and now I live in constant fear.

I was hit by a car. Later, my ex lost her bus job.

Why did my [redacted] a girl because she said, "Uh."

Why did my dad leave me and my mum?

I told him it wasn't big enough and then ran off saying, "Daddy, yeeeees!"

My friend bought a Tom Holland blanket and I said, "Well, now you're sleeping with him."

I was walking in a park today and a little girl I asked, "Where are your parents?" She said, "Gone. My dad went to go get the milk and never came back," and I said, "Oof."

"Nancy be like I sucked my way to the top."

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

What's the difference between a sex slave and a goat?

I don't have a sex slave in my basement...