My jokes

My friend bought a Tom Holland blanket and I said, "Well, now you're sleeping with him."

I was walking in a park today and a little girl I asked, "Where are your parents?" She said, "Gone. My dad went to go get the milk and never came back," and I said, "Oof."

"Nancy be like I sucked my way to the top."

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

What's the difference between a sex slave and a goat?

I don't have a sex slave in my basement...

My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!

"OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!"

I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.

People joking about 9/11.

Random kid: "You shouldn’t joke about that! I lost my dad on 9/11."

Oh.

"Yeah, he was the greatest pilot ever!"

Why is Daisy afraid of candles?

Watch my videos and find out!!! 🤸‍♀️🕯📷💰😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈

I named my grass emo, and it cut itself.

Anonymous 1: Why are you crying?

Anonymous 2: No, buddy, come to my finral.

I didn't steal it. 🌚

Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"

And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."

My grandma just died from cancer.

My last words to her were “I like your cut, G.”

What do you call 2 emos making out in a science classroom?

My Chemical Romance.

Roses are red, violets are purple, lay in my bed so I can suck your nurple.