My jokes

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies. (This does not apply to me. It's a joke.)

I went to visit my childhood home. I asked the owners if I could come in for some nostalgic memories. They said no and slammed the door on me. My parents are so mean.

My grandmother made her passage on the Titanic. The ship was not the only thing that went down.

Guys, you shouldn't joke about 9/11.

My great-uncle died that day. Best damn pilot in Iraq.

What do you call it when an orphan goes to Panera Bread?

"Panera, my parents are dead."

My sister told me only onions make you cry, so I always hit her back when she hit me, but I hit her with a shoe only to catch her cry.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

Why? You ask.

Because it only takes one charge to bring it back to life.

I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.

She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."

Parent: My parents never attended my birthdays.

Birthday girl: Oh wow!

Parent: Anyone missing?

Birthday girl: Your parents.

I get jealous when my phone dies.

I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My dad is now a milkman.

Now I have over 50 brothers and sisters.

My family was watching Home Alone 2, so whenever Kevin was at the top of the Twin Towers, I threw a paper airplane at the T.V.

Bro, living is so expensive, and I'm not even having fun doing it or getting my money's worth.

I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

My friend: To get to the other side?

Me: No, to get to the idiot's house.

My friend: Oh.

Me: Knock knock.

My friend: Who's there?

Me: The chicken.

My dad died in 9/11. At least he did what he loves best: flying planes.

This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.

My mom is bad and my dad is bad.

My favorite dark joke is orphan jokes. For no apparent reason.