My jokes
My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.
My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Where's my sister's friend? Oh, I forgot, we are in Alabama.
My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.
Chris Rock: Jada, I can't wait to see you in G.I. Jane 2!
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song starts playing:
Will: "I got in one lil' fight about my wife's lost hair, she said, 'Will, if you don't do something I'm gonna have an affair!'" 😂😂😂
The mailman came to drop the mail off.
Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.
Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."
Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."
I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Person: Sure.
Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.
Person: Dear God...
Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.
What do Jesus and I have in common?
No one knows my real bday either.
I should name my dog Ariana Grande.
That way I could say that I fucked Ariana Grande.
Teacher: Is anyone missing?
Orphan: My parents.
My dad may be working, but the coping mechanisms sure aren't!
Bill really said "your body, my choice," like, my man, it's your body, MY choice.
My back is straighter than I am, and I literally have scoliosis.
A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it’s too long."
Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it."
I'm so poor I have to put my Big Mac burger on layaway.
My 1 year old nephew had a stroke. I know, sounds bad... but he would have needed to learn how to speak and walk anyways.
I have a Twin Towers model in my room.
It got infested with jumping spiders.
My favorite dark joke is orphan jokes. For no apparent reason.