My jokes

My sister told me only onions make you cry, so I always hit her back when she hit me, but I hit her with a shoe only to catch her cry.

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.

The pterodactyl went in my bathroom and peed.

When I was in the shower, I couldn't hear it. Why? Because the "p" is silent.

I had a dream that I was destroying the world, and I blew up my house for fun. I woke up and couldn't find my pillow... nor the house.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me eating a banana with my butt........

IMAGINE!

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.

Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!

I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.

I asked my dad why a grown man would play Pokémon Go?

He said “Wynaut.”

Me: Dad, my phone is broken.

Dad: How?

Me: I clicked the home button, but I'm still at school.

Dad: Stupid.

I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

Which was good, he died to a landmine.

My sad ass life.

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.

Then I waited for the results.

Aloneness is not the joke, it's unfortunately my reality.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,

"Some asshole has my pen!"

Yesterday I was asked where my parents are. I said, "Getting milk."

Like this post and comment down below if you want me to announce my real name in my next post!

Orphans: Where are my parents?

Random person: In the bed.

My Mum texted me she had lost her phone.

I was about to change my password to Fire-Fist Ace... but apparently it was too weak.

Me and my friends are going to create a Steps tribute band. We are all in wheelchairs, so we are going to be called "Ramps."