My jokes
I wasn't close to my dad when he died.
Which was good, he died to a landmine.
My sad ass life.
My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.
Then I waited for the results.
Aloneness is not the joke, it's unfortunately my reality.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,
"Some asshole has my pen!"
Memes
Yesterday I was asked where my parents are. I said, "Getting milk."
Like this post and comment down below if you want me to announce my real name in my next post!
Orphans: Where are my parents?
Random person: In the bed.
My Mum texted me she had lost her phone.
I was about to change my password to Fire-Fist Ace... but apparently it was too weak.
Me and my friends are going to create a Steps tribute band. We are all in wheelchairs, so we are going to be called "Ramps."
My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.
I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?
I go to get my mail.
Stranger: "Something fell out of your pocket! April fools!"
Me: "You're adopted, April fools!"
Then I see an orphan behind me and gets all excited.
On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parent's names?"
The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling."
The teacher said, "Are you kidding?"
The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother, I am Joking."
What is the difference between Harry Houdini and everyone else in my life? Harry was the only person not to disappear.
I am thinking of removing my spine.
It's only holding me back.
My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.
He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."
I should name my dog Ariana Grande.
That way I could say that I fucked Ariana Grande.
Are you a bullet? 'Cause you're stuck in my head.
When my mom asks, "If your friend pays you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" I say, "No, Mom... I'd do it for free!"