My jokes

Don’t cry when you attend my funeral, I was dead long ago so why cry now?

My girlfriend has a huge crush on Jupiter, I mean she fell HARD!

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

I’m going to open my own Mexican restaurant and call it boarder patrol.

There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.

Are you my friend?

Because I would make you more than that.

Son - Dad, I've been expelled from school for having sex with a girl in my class.

Dad - Son, that's the 2nd school this year! Maybe teaching isn't for you!

My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."

My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.

My friend Joe was a great hunter. He always shot like 3 deer every week.

He was even better at school when he bagged 30 of them.

It was 5:00 PM and I asked my sibling: "Can I have something to eat?"

He replied: "No, not until you tell me the alphabet."

So I said: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, Z."

Then my sibling asked me: "Where's the T?"

I replied: "It's in the microwave, you just need to dish it up."

I got these two people in my class we call them Twin Towers, so when I heard about it I threw a paper airplane at them.

So, I accidentally just tipped over my paralyzed sister.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

My sister bet me $100 that it was impossible for me to build a working car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

Ever wonder why pandas are endangered? Well, China's overcrowded, and therefore they're starving. They have to eat... Panda: "My god. They're coming! Run! They're hungry! Run! Roll down the hill!" Chinese People At Bottom Of Mountain With Spears: "Ching chong wing bong KABOB!!!"

My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.

I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"

My dishwasher is broke.

How do I make my dick disappear?

I put it in your dad.