My jokes

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

What did the Pokémon say after having sex?

"My ball was sore!"

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

You’re so fine that my zipper is falling for you.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.

I went to visit my childhood home. I asked the owners if I could come in for some nostalgic memories. They said no and slammed the door on me. My parents are so mean.

My grandmother made her passage on the Titanic. The ship was not the only thing that went down.

I played Uno with my Mexican friend.

That bastard took all the green cards!

Guys, you shouldn't joke about 9/11.

My great-uncle died that day. Best damn pilot in Iraq.

My ex-wife misses me, but her aim is getting better.

1 like = 1 small dick whiny conservative in my blender.

My wife (or husband) told me to get six cans of Sprite from the grocery store.

I had just realized when I got home that I had picked up 7-Up.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll be a jaeger, will you be my kaiju?

My mom said if I'm awake playing Roblox still, she said she was going to bang my head against the keyboard. hxhdhduhxbsfj.

I like my clocks like I like people.

Under 12.

I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"