My jokes

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

You’re so fine that my zipper is falling for you.

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

A piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.

"Oh, Bunsen, my flame," the sodium swooned. "I melt whenever I see you!"

The Bunsen burner replied, "Calm down. It's just a phase you're going through."

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

What is the difference between a broom and a mop?

It’s hard to beat my girlfriend when she’s holding the mop.

My grandmother made her passage on the Titanic. The ship was not the only thing that went down.

You're the sun in my life, now get 93 million miles away from me.

My mom is bad and my dad is bad.

I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

Why? You ask.

Because it only takes one charge to bring it back to life.

My doctor said I need to lose calories, so I got a piece of paper, wrote "calories," and lit it on fire.

My friend just told me about reverse exorcisms.

In these, the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies. (This does not apply to me. It's a joke.)