My jokes

Your mama's so fat that she can’t even talk, even if Kevin says, "Oh my gosh!" 'cause she has a big ass mouth.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.

I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.

A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

Mum finds out child cheats in math test.

Mom says, "There is no cheating in this house."

Child: "Then why did you cheat with my math teacher last night?"

I’m not religious, but you’re the answer to all of my prayers.

Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.

I told the ugly friend in my friend group that when they daydream, they shouldn't picture themselves because it will just ruin it.

Back in my day, the chicken dance was where the hen got raped by an angry pack of roosters.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I wanted my first time to be special.

My friend says, "You should try Oreos with water."

Me: No, because my dad actually came back with the milf.

What does a knife have but not my life...

A point.

They laughed at my drawing, so I laughed at their chalk outline.

When I'm chilling and a little kid ruins my moment.

My mom gives me your stuff because you have bad grades.

Me: How about my 5 little brothers? I have A's; he has F's.

She lets him play anyway and I don't.

"Knock, knock.""Who's there?""Not your dad."Random kid: "My dad went to get milk. My mom said he will be back soon."

🎵Penaldo Thrills🎵

C’mon c’mon turn the VAR on.

It's Penalty time and it won't be long.

Gotta dive and cry some more.

It's Penalty time and it won't be long.

‘Til I Hit the floor and dive alot.

Cry some more and dive alot. That all I need, because I got u my love, Penalty.

"You have to do this," and my sister said, "Well, I don't care."

And I said, "Well, you care enough to respond back, oh my gosh!"