My jokes

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......

How did I know where you would go next?

Oh, I felt it in my bones!

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.

My cat's breath smells like cat food.

I'm 43 and my date is 19. A man rudely comes up to our table and calls me a pedophile. I told him to fuck off, this is our 10th anniversary.

My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.

My Wife: How much do you love me??

Me: Count all the stars.

My Wife: Aww, infinity.

Me: No, a waste of time.

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning,

It's great being a sniper.

"Hey, hey, Spongebob! Water you doing?" [laughs]

"Just looking for all my coins with my metal detector because beach better have my money!" [laughs]

"How much have you found so far?"

"Y'know what, I'm not really shore!" [laughs]

The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.

My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Want to know what I do in my freetime?

Punch an orphan, cuz what are they going to do, tell their mom?

I was at school when I remembered I forgot my necklace, then I screamed out, "Shit, I forgot Grandpa!"

My dog died. I'm so sad.

My balls are high, just like the towers, but when something impales them, they begin to sag.

What is the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.