My jokes

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow, but when I woke up, my pillow was gone!

I just got my COVID vaccine, and this lady said, "You have no idea what you put in your body." I said, "Yet you are eating chorizo."

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a PC?

When my PC crashes, I actually give a fuck.

The police: Pull over!

The kid: Do you know who my dad is?

The police: What, your mom did not tell you?

My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.

Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.

"My name is Dezz."

My uncle and I have somewhat of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.

Q: Name a murderer?

Aborted fetus: My mum.

My friend saw your forehead and realized you're gay.

I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.

Girl: Wanna come over to my house?

Orphan: I have to ask if my parents come home.

Everything I fall in love with leaves me. Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.

My brother couldn’t wait for fall, so I tripped him.

I hate my stupid wrinkly ring doing f, dad!

(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes.)

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Q: What do you call an elephant that isn't important?

A: My sister.

What’s the difference between orphans and cars?

I don’t have 1080 cars in my basement.