My jokes

My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Want to know what I do in my freetime?

Punch an orphan, cuz what are they going to do, tell their mom?

My friend died from Ligma!

Ligma balls.

This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.

I love trash bags because they remind me of my heart... black.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

My friends told me to stop making suicide jokes, so I hanged on.

My sister: You were born ugly.

Me: I'm not a mirror, sis.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and kids?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

My uncles like the moon.

He comes out at night.

You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."

Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.

My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.

Me: *Realizes*

9/11 isn't something we should joke about. Some people can remember where they were when they found out. I'll never forget where I was when I found out.

It was 9:37, September 10th, 2001. I was in a cave in Iraq when my friend Mohammad told me.

You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?

Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...

Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.

My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.

One day in Roblox, someone was arguing with me, and they asked me my age. "18." They said that they were twenty-two.

Me: "If you're so smart, what's the largest daycare game on Roblox?"

Him: "Yo Hair," he said. Then he left the game, and I said, "That is so messed up. Actually, that's bullcrap."

I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.

Short girl: "How do you see up there?"

Tall guy: "Who said that?"

I spit my drink out and then ran away.

I'd tell a joke about how my mom was abusive, but I either forgot everything, or she just wasn't there.