My jokes

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

I was gonna tell you a joke about my abusive dad...

But I only remember the punch line👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

My mum is a vegan. She brings us to after school seitan.

Child: Dad, I want you to say "I'm a Man" after everything I say!

Dad: Uh, okay?

Child: My wife cheated on me.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: So I went to the bar.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: I met a hot girl.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: So I brought her home.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: After sleeping together, she woke up, faced me and said...

Dad: I'm a man.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

When you end up pregnant...

Mom told me if a boy touched my breast I should say "DON'T," and if he touched me down there I should say "STOP." But Dad, he touched me both places at once so I said, "DON'T STOP! DON'T STOP!" 😂

My dad walked in on me having sex with a dog. She gasped and shouted at me, "Get out of here, it's my turn!"

A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.

The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.

"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.

The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."

My girlfriend broke up with me this morning, and we just started dating yesterday.

Now she's having a breakfast.

Why'd my grandpa fall over?

'Cause I clapped his cheeks, fool!

My friend said having sex is a lot like your first football game.

You're bloody and bruised, but at least your dad was there.

A pedophile is at a school parent night. He's holding hands with an eight-year-old girl when he's approached by another parent. She says to him, "Oh, what a darling little girl you have there." The pedophile replies, "No," then points his finger to a child across the room and says, "That's my child."

The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.

How do rapists justify murdering a young innocent human being?

Same way as pro-aborts, by saying "My body, my choice!"

One time, a cow saved my life.

It was bovine intervention.

I asked my friend what their serial number was... He said "Cheerios."

Nah, bruh, my hairline straighter than a gay person's.

My teacher: If you could go anywhere, where would you go?

Me: Demon Slayer.

My teacher: Why?

The quiet kid: TO GET EATEN BY A DEMON OR BECOME ONE!!!

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

Feminists should STFU and suck my dick!