My jokes

I still remember my grandpa's last words; "Is that loaded?"

So a girl says to her ex, "I can't get you out of my mind, the boyfriend I knew." The girl replies, "I see you in everything, like when I'm walking down the street, even at work, like trash cans are everywhere."

The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.

What did one snow ❄️ man say to itself? My arm is broken.

My dad just comes and goes.

My friend's name is Campbell, so she must love soup.

Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next-door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off.” In the end, I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.

"(My beard actually connects.)" "Like the connection you never had with your father."

What are some other names for rape? There’s the classic “struggle snuggle,” but then there’s my personal favorite “fuck fight”.

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.

I can't wait to have 2020 in my hindsight.

My sister said that you know that "that" is really cool. Then I said, "You know you can shut up."

I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

I call my sister a "fat cow," and she asks me, "Want to hear a joke?" I say, "Sure." She says, "You are the joke!"

My dad is John Cena because I can't see him.

My grandpa was a great pilot, but he died on September 11, 2001.

Little Johnny walks out to the garage and sees Dad smoking a cigarette. He asks, "Hey Dad, can I have a puff of that cigarette?" Dad asks, "Well, Johnny, can your dick reach your ass?" Little Johnny scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, no, Dad, my dick can't reach my ass." His Dad says, "There's your answer, Johnny..." Little Johnny goes back in the house.

About an hour later, Little Johnny comes back out to the garage and sees his Dad drinking a beer. He asks, "Hey Dad, can I have some of that beer?" Dad asks, "Well, Johnny, can your dick reach your ass?" Little Johnny scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, no, Dad, my dick can't reach my ass." His Dad says, "There's your answer, Johnny..." Little Johnny goes back in the house.

About an hour later, Little Johnny comes back out to the garage with a big plate of Tollhouse Chocolate Chip cookies, fresh from the oven. His Dad says, "Wow, Johnny, those sure look like some good cookies. You think I can have some?" Little Johnny asks his Dad, "Well Dad, can your dick reach your ass?" His Dad scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, yes, Johnny, I do believe my dick can reach my ass." Little Johnny says, "Well, Dad, you can go FUCK yourself, cuz Mom made these cookies for me!!!"