My jokes

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

I go to get my mail.

Stranger: "Something fell out of your pocket! April fools!"

Me: "You're adopted, April fools!"

Then I see an orphan behind me and gets all excited.

On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parent's names?"

The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling."

The teacher said, "Are you kidding?"

The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother, I am Joking."

What is the difference between Harry Houdini and everyone else in my life? Harry was the only person not to disappear.

I am thinking of removing my spine.

It's only holding me back.

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

I should name my dog Ariana Grande.

That way I could say that I fucked Ariana Grande.

Are you a bullet? 'Cause you're stuck in my head.

When my mom asks, "If your friend pays you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" I say, "No, Mom... I'd do it for free!"

Top 10 Cos:

1. Disco 2. Flamenco 3. Fresco 4. Fiasco 5. Monaco 6. Tobacco 7. Bronco 8. Morocco 9. UNESCO 10. Taco

Pexico? Not top 1000 in my honest book.

So my depressed friend wanted to high-five the tree by the cemetery.

The tree left him hanging though.

Finish the lyrics: Can I put my...

What did the poo say when it fell out of your bum?

"Your anus looks like my mum's bedsheet which is smelly and covered in poo."

I also just wanted to add that a Goonie's anus looks like my nan's mouth.

I took a plane to go see my hairline.

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore – my face should be among them.

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.

I'm surprised that the tree is still standing when my emo friend is hanging from it.

Love that dress; it would look much better on my floor, though.