My jokes

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.

So my depressed friend wanted to high-five the tree by the cemetery.

The tree left him hanging though.

"You have to do this," and my sister said, "Well, I don't care."

And I said, "Well, you care enough to respond back, oh my gosh!"

I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

Which was good, he died to a landmine.

My sad ass life.

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.

Then I waited for the results.

I am thinking of removing my spine.

It's only holding me back.

Yesterday I was asked where my parents are. I said, "Getting milk."

Like this post and comment down below if you want me to announce my real name in my next post!

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

Orphans: Where are my parents?

Random person: In the bed.

I was about to change my password to Fire-Fist Ace... but apparently it was too weak.

Aloneness is not the joke, it's unfortunately my reality.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,

"Some asshole has my pen!"

I had a dream that I was destroying the world, and I blew up my house for fun. I woke up and couldn't find my pillow... nor the house.

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.

Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!

My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me eating a banana with my butt........

IMAGINE!

I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.

I asked my dad why a grown man would play Pokémon Go?

He said “Wynaut.”