I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.
My Jokes
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
To stop my password from getting hacked, I changed it to something difficult to crack: "StrongBrazilianNut111".
I'm Asian and there is a saying that dogs are man's best friends. They are my best friends because they keep me from starving.
I thought I saw a cool sticker on my office window, then I realized it was getting bigger and bigger.
What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?
They’re both in my bed.
What's the difference between me and my mate...
I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.
My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:
roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.
My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.
Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."
Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.
I told the ugly friend in my friend group that when they daydream, they shouldn't picture themselves because it will just ruin it.
Back in my day, the chicken dance was where the hen got raped by an angry pack of roosters.
I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I wanted my first time to be special.
What's the similarity between my son and a rug from eBay? I asked for a refund.
They laughed at my drawing, so I laughed at their chalk outline.
Your mama's so fat that she can’t even talk, even if Kevin says, "Oh my gosh!" 'cause she has a big ass mouth.
What does a knife have but not my life...
A point.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
Oh wait, I'm thinking of...
My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's hairline, even though his ears are so big and his face looks like a monkey... if they were white.
