My jokes

I hit something when I pulled into my driveway.

And then I noticed that my cat was missing.

I was given my electronics test today. Turns out it was given to me 'cause I have the same name as someone who got 54/59. I actually got my hopes up, too.

My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.

Lick my BALLS!

My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.

My pp.

When I say, "Daddy," my stepbrother raises his head.

My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and went right.

My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week.

He swears by it, but he’s in denial.

In 2001, my parents took me to 9/11. I was soaring towards it with excitement!

I saw a Black person riding a bike, so I ran back to my garage. He was still eating.

I went for a job interview today, and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!"

As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."

Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.

Her: I am scared!

Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.

What is the difference between a broom and a mop?

It’s hard to beat my girlfriend when she’s holding the mop.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.

"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"

I hope you remembered my name since you’ll be screaming it later.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

A piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.

"Oh, Bunsen, my flame," the sodium swooned. "I melt whenever I see you!"

The Bunsen burner replied, "Calm down. It's just a phase you're going through."