My jokes

I went to self-checkout at a store and I scanned my products, but the scanner wouldn't scan the barcode on my arm.

My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.

So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.

You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)

Elmo in 2022 is called "Tickle My Balls Elmo."

I asked my orphan friend what his movie is, he said "Spiderman: No Way Home." I said, "Probably because it's so relatable, right?" He started crying. I don't know why.

My mom: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?

Me: No.

Attack on Titan music starts playing in my head.

My friend wants to do martial arts, but he's disabled, so I guess it’s partial arts.

My great-great-great grandpa killed Hitler.

My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support. (ref)

The guy in the wheelchair at my gym can do so many pull-ups with the wheelchair on, but I said to him, "Don't skip leg day."

What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?

Only one moans when I put my meat in it.

My current love life is like a god. It’s not real.

My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"

I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."

He asked, "In an orphanage?"

I am crying tears of joy rn.😭 I was wrongfully denied my visa. ☠️ They took me to the Q&A section, that I needed to answer one simple question for my visa to be granted.

The question was the original synonym of Bench. I shakily answered "Pristiano Penaldo" 😭. I was right guys ✅🛫

How to improve my beloved Penchester United in 5 easy steps:

1. Sell Casemeiro 🤑 2. Sell Pernandes 🤑 3. Sell Bencho 🤑 4. Sell Trashford 🤑 5. Terminate penaldo 🤑 6. Make Mctominay extend his deal 📝

These came down deep from my heart. Don’t let me down again, please.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger sister.

My brother apparently has this thing called "asthma". Anyway, I took his vape away today, and he was lying on the floor gasping for air, lol. He must really be addicted to it.

My anus smells.

I got a new Lego airplane set from my friend... oddly, there were also two towers included in the box as well.