My jokes

I like my coffee like my women.

Amateur.

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

I met a kid at the park. He was holding a picture of his parents in his hands. They had died on 9/11.

So, I went to comfort him. I said, "Hey, I lost my grandpa on 9/11. He was great. At flying a plane."

We found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than my dad.

I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

What does gum in my d*ck have in common?

Both get chewed on by little kids.

My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.

I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.

"Pull down your pants, pull out my willy, stir your guts round like a hot bowl of chili."

I was walking down the hallway at my job when I saw a kid crying.

I asked him where his parents were, and he kept crying.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

What's the difference between the milkman and my dad?

Nothing, they are both one thing except he never returns with milk.

(I've been eating cereal with water COMBINATION!)

I asked my friend what the best gay joke is, and she said "You."

I was playing laser tag with my ex, but I (wink) didn't realize I had a real gun.

I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun. Now it’s an assault rifle.

My Chinese friend died recently, So Yung.

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I had a JFK joke, but it went right through my head.