My jokes

My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.

Are you a playground? Because I want to put my kids in you.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.

Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.

Yesterday, there was a blackout on my street.

So I sold them.

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

I hope you remembered my name since you’ll be screaming it later.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun. Now it’s an assault rifle.

I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.

All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

People ask me if my friend jumps off a bridge, will I go as well? Of course not. I am a leader; I will go first, my friend will jump after me!

Did you see that Chinese man with no legs?

No, I'm blind.

Stop ruining my jokes.

Isn't that the Chinese man with no legs' fault?

It's not like He Go Ann Hi Weh.

Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.

Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!

Officer: You OK, kid?

Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.

Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*

When officer leaves:

Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?

People call my blind friend dumb sometimes.

She can't see the obvious.

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

Me and my friend (rope) like hanging out.

I asked my friend how long I can be in the sky. He said if you are emo, then forever.