My jokes

I’m going to open my own Mexican restaurant and call it boarder patrol.

I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.

All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.

Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.

One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.

"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"

Yesterday, there was a blackout on my street.

So I sold them.

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

I hope you remembered my name since you’ll be screaming it later.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

Today I told my sis, "Knock knock."

She said, "Who's there?"

I said, "I Eat eat my mop."

She said, "I eat mop poo instead of who."

I called my dog J. They said, "Joné."

"So you dropped my instruments on stage?"

"It was only the Bass!"

You want a joke? My entire existence.