My jokes

My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"

I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."

He asked, "In an orphanage?"

What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?

They both broke and everybody cried.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support. (ref)

I am crying tears of joy rn.😭 I was wrongfully denied my visa. ☠️ They took me to the Q&A section, that I needed to answer one simple question for my visa to be granted.

The question was the original synonym of Bench. I shakily answered "Pristiano Penaldo" 😭. I was right guys ✅🛫

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!

The guy in the wheelchair at my gym can do so many pull-ups with the wheelchair on, but I said to him, "Don't skip leg day."

You know I used to call my dogs' balls the Twin Towers, until they came rumbling down.

I asked my orphan friend what his movie is, he said "Spiderman: No Way Home." I said, "Probably because it's so relatable, right?" He started crying. I don't know why.

My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

How to improve my beloved Penchester United in 5 easy steps:

1. Sell Casemeiro 🤑 2. Sell Pernandes 🤑 3. Sell Bencho 🤑 4. Sell Trashford 🤑 5. Terminate penaldo 🤑 6. Make Mctominay extend his deal 📝

These came down deep from my heart. Don’t let me down again, please.

How I Punch my Brother: Wooden Sword.

How he is telling Dad: Diamond Sword.

How hard my Dad is gonna punch me: Warden Punch.

You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)

"Hey, don’t take my toy! What are you going to tell your parents?"

My current love life is like a god. It’s not real.

I will never forget my grandfather's last words:

"Can you hold the ladder correctly, damn it!"

I like my orphans how I like my wine, locked in my basement for ten.

I wish the grass in my backyard was emo so it would cut itself.

What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?

Only one moans when I put my meat in it.

I broke up with my RBLX gf, and I heard my uncle crying in the other room.

I wish the grass outside of my house was emo, because it would cut itself.