My jokes

I’m going to open my own Mexican restaurant and call it boarder patrol.

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun. Now it’s an assault rifle.

What did the parent say to Michael Jackson?

"Get off my kid!"

(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”

And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”

It's horrible to make jokes about 9/11, but it's not funny when I found out my mate's mum jumped from the 21st floor.

Are you a playground? Because I want to put my kids in you.

School Rizz:

You are my exam. I am always thinking about you but never making a move.

Four men were asked if they could have something with their cousin for €500.

The first replied: "For 500€? Of course!"

The second said: "I'd do it for free!"

The third replied: "I would even give her 200€!"

The fourth replied: "With my ex? Never!"

Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.

A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.

A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.

The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"

My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.

If her age is on the clock, she can sit on my cock.

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

Did you see that Chinese man with no legs?

No, I'm blind.

Stop ruining my jokes.

Isn't that the Chinese man with no legs' fault?

It's not like He Go Ann Hi Weh.

Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.