Failure jokes

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt a suicide, guess what? I failed.

Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...

My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!

What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?

They're both pointless.

What does a relationship and suicide have in common?

I always fail on committing.

Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.

Why is Donald Trump so jealous of Usain Bolt?

Because he successfully finished a race!

What are you good at?

Dying. Dammit, I fail at that too.

Friend 1: What's the most disappointing thing that ever happened to you? For me, repeating a year.

Friend 2: Failing an important test. And you?

Then there is me: My life.

Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.

Why did the gym close down? -- It just didn't work out.

Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.

Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

Me and a person downtown.

Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.

Me: I guess so.

Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?

Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.

Person: Why'd you stop?

Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and think, "Well, better luck next time."