Failure jokes
She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.
I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.
In life you either yeet or get yeeted, or you beat or get beaten.
I guess I failed.
"If you can't win, lose."
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
I tried to make a necrophilia joke, but it was dead in the water.
What happens when you fail to be an emo? You don't make the cut.
Friend: My girls are like boomerangs; they always come back.
Me: Mine DON'T :(
You know why they call me 007?
0 girls.
0 chances.
7 restraining orders.
What do feminists do when they fail at something?
Blame men for sexism and misogyny.
An Asian gets a choice between his rice cooker or his son. He instantly picks the cooker and says, "He got a B+ in maths last week; he's a failure!"
If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?
Someone forgot to do half the questions in the history test.
And that's what made him go down in history.
What's worse than a failed suicide, you ask?
I fail suicide because you forgot to do the dishes and your parents come after you and they're the ones to kill you, not yourself.
Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?
Kobe couldn’t clutch up with the rift to go.
I was writing my final exams, and I saw a question saying to name the smallest thing in the world. To my knowledge, I chose an atom.
My Chemistry teacher said it was PSG. I was shocked beyond repair. Shame on you, PSG, I'm now a college dropout!
Why did the gym close down?
Because it just didn't work out.
A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.
The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."
The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"
The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"
A UN survey asked the following: Please, in your honest opinion, could you give your thoughts on the food shortages in the rest of the world?
It was a failure because:
South Americans don’t know the word “please.”
Eastern Europeans don’t know the word “honest.”
Middle Easterns don’t know the word “opinion.”
Balkans don’t know the word “give.”
Chinese don’t know the word “thoughts.”
Africans don’t know the word “food.”
Western Europeans don’t know the word “shortage.”
Americans don’t know the words “the rest of the world.”
Then they simply explained “just donate healthy food to the global south to help.” But that still didn’t sit right with everyone, because Israelis do not know the word “donate,” and Pacific Islanders do not know the words “healthy food.”
Health commercials be like:
Serious side effects can cause:
Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, chlamydia, lupus, Ebola, polio, leprosy, pulmonary edema, heart attack, heart failure, yellow fever, but worst of all, DEATH!
How do you know if an Asian is a failure?
Figure it out, because they'll all tell you their parents said they were a failure from birth.