Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.
Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."
There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt a suicide, guess what? I failed.
What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?
They're both pointless.
Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...
My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!
What does a relationship and suicide have in common?
I always fail on committing.
Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.
Why is Donald Trump so jealous of Usain Bolt?
Because he successfully finished a race!
What are you good at?
Dying. Dammit, I fail at that too.
Friend 1: What's the most disappointing thing that ever happened to you? For me, repeating a year.
Friend 2: Failing an important test. And you?
Then there is me: My life.
Thankfully I'm still alive because I fail at everything in life.
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
It's all fun and games until someone fails at becoming Superman.
Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?
Dave: No.
Jason: Well, he hit his first target.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."
Call me an escalator because I let people down.
