My jokes

I was happy to find I could get a passing grade in all my subjects if I had sex with my teacher, until I remembered I'm home schooled.

I hate when my class want to play hangman. Not because they hang a man, but because I get jealous.

Why was my mate in "Mission: Impossible?" Because he couldn't find his dad.

I want coffee like my men.

Dark.

My friend: "Ya mama so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"

Me: "That joke's older than your mom!"

I asked my friend what their serial number was... He said "Cheerios."

I hate it when ever I bring a girl over, my parents don't care, but when I bring one of my friends that's a boy, they're like, "Keep the door open," and I'm gay.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

Hi! This is a good prank I did! Okay, my sister has this crush and his name is Braylon. So, he texted my sister saying he wants to hang out with her, which I think means date. So anyway, I did this. My text said, "Hi Braylon, I can't hang out today... or the other day because I have homework, so please no hang out!" This is super wrong, but funny! Braylon texted back and said, "Fine, I can help." And I texted back and said, "Oh, will come here around 10:00." And my sister did not know he was coming... She was so embarrassed, she was still in her nightgown! HAHAHAH. O to the k, bye, that's the prankster!!!!

I love taking my daughter out in the car. Every time we go over a speed bump, I tell her we ran over another dog. 😂

My sister's name was Philma. We were unfortunate enough to have the last name Coochie. Let's just say no more virgins were at that school.

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing."

The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."

So I ran into my specialist doctor, and he said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." So I said, "Capricorn," and he said, "Nah, you got cancer."

Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!

Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!

Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!

Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!

What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!

What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!

What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!

My grandfather tells me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My Japanese friend told me a Pearl Harbor joke. I told him he bombed it.

I got my little girl a hand sewing kit for her birthday and she cried. I didn't understand why until I realized that she had no hands to sew with.

In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.

Man: Can you be my girlfriend?

Woman: I'm lesbian, sorry.

Man: Oh, here's your rope.