My jokes

My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...

I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.

My victims still scream.

What is an orphan's excuse to leave a party?

"I'm gonna make like my parents and run."

Recently I visited a restaurant in Crotone. When I was done eating, I told the waitress I was “Penaldo” with my food. She instantly knew that I was finished with my food.

If my phone battery lasted as long as my relationship, I would never be able to play on my phone.

If I don't find a reason to live soon, my ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's gonna be hanging from my ceiling.

The people at 9/11 must have been able to read fast. If I explain it, it won't be funny. This is an old joke my friend told me.

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

My depressed body would look great hanging from a tree...

Tell me a joke.

My life.

Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!

Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!

What did the emo say before he crossed the road?

"Fuck my life."

I remember my uncle's last words:

"I don't think we're going shooting today."

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.