My jokes

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

"So you dropped my instruments on stage?"

"It was only the Bass!"

You want a joke? My entire existence.

Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”

And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.

A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.

A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.

The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"

You know it's so hard to clean my sex toys.

Thank you, Jesus, for creating holy water!

School Rizz:

You are my exam. I am always thinking about you but never making a move.

What did the parent say to Michael Jackson?

"Get off my kid!"

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

She be hubba on my bubba till I gum.

There's no Asian kids in my class, but it just happens to be the rice store and the pet store just ran out of stock...

What do you call a person with a flip flop?

My dad.

Four men were asked if they could have something with their cousin for €500.

The first replied: "For 500€? Of course!"

The second said: "I'd do it for free!"

The third replied: "I would even give her 200€!"

The fourth replied: "With my ex? Never!"

It's horrible to make jokes about 9/11, but it's not funny when I found out my mate's mum jumped from the 21st floor.