My jokes

The plane crashed. There are 5 seats in Bordeaux and usually 4 parachute seats.

The first song goes: "I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best player in the world, so fly with the first helmet."

One of Ivanka Trump's former supporters said: "I was the US President's teacher." And take an umbrella and fly.

Former US Secretary of State Donald Trump said: "I am the President of the United States. I am the president of the United States of America, not responsible to the people. Design our package and jump."

"I'm glad," said the next passenger, Popstag, as he approached. Then the boy explained: "I still can't see anyone's problem. The President of the United States is in my bag..."

The name is Ash, Johnathan Ash. My friends call me Jack.

I wish my grass were emo because then it would cut itself.

Astronaut In The Ocean-By- Masked Wolf and watersharky Music Productions-

Astro-naut

What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

I feel like an astronaut in the ocean, ayy

What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

I feel like an astronaut in the ocean

She say that I'm cool (damn straight)

I'm like "yeah, that's true" (that's true)

I believe in G-O-D (ayy)

Don't believe in T-H-O-T

She keep playing me dumb (play me)

I'ma play her for fun (uh-huh)

Y'all don't really know my mental

Lemme give you the picture like stencil

Falling out, in a drought

No flow, rain wasn't pouring down (pouring down)

See, that pain was all around

See, my mode was kinda lounged

Didn't know which-which way to turn

Flow was cool but I still felt burnt

Energy up, you can feel my surge

I'ma kill everything like this purge (ayy)

Let's just get this straight for a second, I'ma work

Even if I don't get paid for progression, I'ma get it (get it)

Everything that I do is electric

I'ma keep it in a motion, keep it moving like kinetic, ayy (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

Put this shit in a frame, better know I don't blame

Everything that I say, man I seen you deflate

Let me elevate, this ain't a prank

Have you walkin' on a plank, la-la-la-la-la, like

Both hands together, God, let me pray (now let me pray)

Uh, I've been going right, right around, call that relay (Masked Wolf)

Pass the baton, back and I'm on

Swimming in the pool, Kendrick Lamar, uh

Want a piece of this, a piece of mine, my peace a sign

Can you please read between the lines?

My rhyme's inclined to break your spine

They say that I'm so fine

You could never match my grind

Please do not, not waste my time

What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

I feel like an astronaut in the ocean, ayy

What you know about rollin' down in the deep?

When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze

When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah

I feel like an astronaut in the ocean.

I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.

So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.

1 hour before:

So let me get...

Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!

Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

Me: You know what's the favorite slogan that Hindus like the most?

My friend: What?

Me: “kati supari kata paan katiyo ko bhejo pakistan.”

I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.

I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.

Hello my fellow Americans, I'm playing Clash Royale for the USA clan, and two towers are already gone?

Guy 1: Why is my cat so angry?

Guy 2: Because she wants to eat your big sausage.

Guy 1: Don't you?

Guy 2: Yeah, it seems delicious.

Guy 1: Mmm, so... w-wait what are you doing? I didn't think you meant the one in my lunch :< Where are you leaving #_#

**Meow...**

Guy 1: Shut up, I will never feed you this sausage. It's not for you :< -_- </3

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

Short girl: "How do you see up there?"

Tall guy: "Who said that?"

I spit my drink out and then ran away.

"This isn't the first time my husband's cheated on me, but you're my sister! You'd better have a better explanation than this magic lamp."

"You know how you have to be specific making wishes? Well, I was really horny and asked the genie to have the world's biggest penis....ended up with a concert pianist that's seven foot tall. Nice guy. Next time I tried, I asked for the world's biggest cock, that was fun but the poor rooster died. So I asked for the world's biggest dick and that's how I ended up on top of your husband."

As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!

I will always remember my dad's last words...

Oh wait, I've never heard them.

The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...

Dad: Where is my son?

Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.

Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?

Son: YES!

Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-