My jokes
My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
You wanna hear a joke about my penis?
Never mind, it’s too long.
My teacher asked us what sex is. My friend, Bobby, got up and said in a loud, clear voice, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation, where a boy puts his location into a woman's destination to increase the population of the next generation. Do you understand my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" The teacher shot him 23 times before she fainted.
I like my women the way I like my sandwiches... A little meat between their buns.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
What did the female rapist say at her hearing?
"Well that boy's dick was inside me and you know what you metoo people say, 'my body my choice.'"
Are you George Floyd?
Cause you take my breath away! 😮💨
I prank called someone saying, "SON! IT'S ME, SON! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" My friend next to me asked who I was calling, and I said, "the orphanage."
Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.
You look like something I drew with my left hand.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words: "You still holding the ladder, son?"
Me- *crying in the shower*
Also me- *why is my toaster in here?*
I wish my name was Voyager 2...
So I could have the first encounter with Uranus. :)
If it’s called the “living room,” why did my grandma die there?
Roses are red, violets are blue, my mom and dad died, next you'll be gone too.
This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."
The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.