My jokes

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

You know my first name, but don’t worry about it; you’ll only be screaming my first.

I was eating my cereal while watching the news, then I saw my cereal on the news, saying he was a "serial" killer.

My wife left a note on the fridge. The note read, "It's not working." I don't know what she's talking about. I opened the fridge, and it worked fine!

Are you suicide? Because you are always on my mind.

Your hairline is so far back that even my dad wasn't fetching the milk back then.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

My wife was run over.

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

I was going to make a pun about math, but my answers never add up.

My son got in trouble for writing the following underneath the question “Do aliens exist?”

“Of course they do! They live in Mexico!”

Your hairline be lookin' like my negative bank account balance -1,000,000.

I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.

Stormtrooper: My lord, what should we do with all this beef?

Palpatine: Stew it.

I will always remember my dad's last words...

Oh wait, I never knew them.

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."

My uncle is a computer genius! The police even called him a PDF file!

Sister: "Has anyone seen my clothes?"

Brother: "They're still in my bed."

My sister reminds me of 911: one moan of "OMG" got everyone's attention.

My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."