My jokes
My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."
I will never forget my grandpa's last words: "You still holding the ladder, son?"
The match: "Ur my match." The thighs: "You light me up."
What did the female rapist say at her hearing?
"Well that boy's dick was inside me and you know what you metoo people say, 'my body my choice.'"
The twin towers are just like my mom and dad, they went to work and never came back.
Memes
I like my women the way I like my sandwiches... A little meat between their buns.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
Muslim child to his mother: "Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?"
Mom: "Allahu Akbar, my son, Allahu Akbar!"
Roses are red, violets are blue, my mom and dad died, next you'll be gone too.
I wish my name was Voyager 2...
So I could have the first encounter with Uranus. :)
Me- *crying in the shower*
Also me- *why is my toaster in here?*
This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."
The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.
If it’s called the “living room,” why did my grandma die there?
Mother: How is my little cookie doing?
Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.
Mother: Really?
Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.
Mother: 😁♥️🍪
What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!
Joe mama so fat, she could not walk the stairs of heaven.
Credits: to my friend.
So, I took a poop outside. When I was done, I wiped and got it on my finger. After that, I had Nutella, and I thought the poop on my hand was Nutella, and I licked it. I said, "Daddy chill, what in the heck is this crap?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"