My jokes
This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
Me- *crying in the shower*
Also me- *why is my toaster in here?*
I wish my name was Voyager 2...
So I could have the first encounter with Uranus. :)
Memes
Roses are red, violets are blue, my mom and dad died, next you'll be gone too.
Are you George Floyd?
Cause you take my breath away! 😮💨
You look like something I drew with my left hand.
I prank called someone saying, "SON! IT'S ME, SON! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" My friend next to me asked who I was calling, and I said, "the orphanage."
Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.
Today was a bittersweet day...
Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!
How did the burglar get into my house?
Intruder window.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I like my women the way I like my sandwiches... A little meat between their buns.
Joe mama so fat, she could not walk the stairs of heaven.
Credits: to my friend.
My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
So, I took a poop outside. When I was done, I wiped and got it on my finger. After that, I had Nutella, and I thought the poop on my hand was Nutella, and I licked it. I said, "Daddy chill, what in the heck is this crap?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.