My jokes

What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?

I don't have a girlfriend.

Why do they call my dick section 8?

Because all the hoes are on it.

A goat drank my Red Bull, so now it's a Baphomet!

A lady walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs. The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea." The lady replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."

I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was.

To bitch them is my real test, to train them is my cause.

I will travel across the land, searching far and wide.

Fuse Pokemon to UnderStand, the power that’s inside.

Poke him on! Gotta train them all it’s Fru and me, All I know is my dress tiny, Poke him on! Yeah, you’re my best friend, In a world you must defend, Poke him on! Gotta train them all my shirts so true, My outrage will flush us through. You bitch me and I ditch you, P-O-K-E-M-O-N!!! Gotta train them all, Gotta train them all! Pokemon!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Sister.

Sister who?

My sister's ass.

What did the rapper say to the computer?

“Yo, stop laggin’ my FLOW!”

My attitude doesn't have to be the only reason I yell and roll my eyes in the back of my head.

My girlfriend didn't bring me the sandwich, so I brought the gas.

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

My dad went out for milk. It's been 15 years and I still have to eat my cereal dry.

You know a piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds. Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

I told my boyfriend one time when I was drunk that I like being raped. The next day, he comes over and says, "Want to have sex?" I said no. He was arrested two days later.

Me at an orphanage: I need to talk.

Orphan: My parents!

Me: You know that word?

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Big tits.

I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.

My mom said I rely on my devices too much, so I unplugged her life support.

Last time I ate a vegetable, I got banned from my sister's group home.

My favorite sex position is the McDonald's.

Ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' it!

My girlfriend said she's having a horrible time with her period. I ask her which one, but realize she's not talking about school...

We don't see each other very much.