My jokes

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

My girlfriend called me pedophile today.

Big word for a 12-year-old.

I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.

The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.

When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.

What's the difference between a penis and the bible? Nothing, the priest shoved them both down my throat.

There are 206 bones in my body.

When I look at you, it becomes 207.

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"

What do my parents have in common with Nemo? They can't be found.

I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.

Like it’s my next meal.

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

Dad: Ok son, if you fail this test, you're no longer my child, ok?

Son: Ok dad.

AFTER TEST

Dad: Hey son, how'd the test go?

Son: Son?

I prank called someone saying, "SON! IT'S ME, SON! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" My friend next to me asked who I was calling, and I said, "the orphanage."

Pregnant teen: I'm pregnant, my mum's gonna kill me.

Unborn baby: My mum's gonna kill me.

You look like something I drew with my left hand.

Are you George Floyd?

Cause you take my breath away! 😮‍💨

What did the female rapist say at her hearing?

"Well that boy's dick was inside me and you know what you metoo people say, 'my body my choice.'"

Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.

I wish my name was Voyager 2...

So I could have the first encounter with Uranus. :)

Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.

Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."