My jokes

How I Punch my Brother: Wooden Sword.

How he is telling Dad: Diamond Sword.

How hard my Dad is gonna punch me: Warden Punch.

Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"

My first name is Al and my last name is Coholic :) #yuengling.f/wat

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

I watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hands. Only got caught once.

ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG

Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.

Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.

Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.

I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.

Guys, don’t put the Holocaust books in the fiction section, it was the worst mistake of my life!

"Sticks and stones break my bones."

A crowbar does it so much quicker.

God, my dad got so pissed during 9/11.

All that work wasted.

A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"

She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.

He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"

I was playing Warzone last night, and I shot my teammate that said they were emo. When I shot him, another player did, and it said "assist kill."

Say "crack my finger" backwards.

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.

My ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's going to be hanging tonight.

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

I wish my nails were emo so that they would cut themselves.

What did the emo kid say to the cashier? ... "Scan my wrists."

An orphan asked if they could move into my house yesterday. I said, "Don't you have a family?"

What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?

My donation to the orphanage :)