My jokes

School Rizz:

You are my exam. I am always thinking about you but never making a move.

What did the parent say to Michael Jackson?

"Get off my kid!"

My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's hairline, even though his ears are so big and his face looks like a monkey... if they were white.

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

She be hubba on my bubba till I gum.

There's no Asian kids in my class, but it just happens to be the rice store and the pet store just ran out of stock...

Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"

Yesterday, there was a blackout on my street.

So I sold them.

My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.

What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.

I hope you remembered my name since you’ll be screaming it later.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

Heyo, my children, hope you haven't forgotten about our cult!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”

And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”