My jokes

I hope you remembered my name since you’ll be screaming it later.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.

Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.

My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.

"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"

Yesterday, there was a blackout on my street.

So I sold them.

My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

What is the difference between a dead body and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!

Officer: You OK, kid?

Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.

Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*

When officer leaves:

Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?

Heyo, my children, hope you haven't forgotten about our cult!

I asked my friend how long I can be in the sky. He said if you are emo, then forever.

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

Elmo in 2022 is called "Tickle My Balls Elmo."

You know I used to call my dogs' balls the Twin Towers, until they came rumbling down.