My jokes

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

There are 206 bones in my body.

When I look at you, it becomes 207.

I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.

Like it’s my next meal.

I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.

I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.

Once my friend's bakery burned down... His business is toast.

I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.

People at my school have started to wear Logan Paul merch. I try to give them a high five, but they always leave me hanging.

What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!

Mother: How is my little cookie doing?

Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

Dad: Ok son, if you fail this test, you're no longer my child, ok?

Son: Ok dad.

AFTER TEST

Dad: Hey son, how'd the test go?

Son: Son?

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?

I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

I like my women the way I like my sandwiches... A little meat between their buns.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Are you George Floyd?

Cause you take my breath away! 😮‍💨