My jokes

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

My grandpa personally killed 3 German pilots. He was the worst mechanic Luftwaffe had.

I'd tell ya a poop joke, but you're my favorite turd.

My dad died in 9/11.

But he was the pilot.

Guess how I got away from my mom saying I can't play Fortnite? I took my stuff and I ran to Iran.

If anyone's gonna be fuckin' my sister, it's gonna be ME!

I like my coffee the way I like jokes about my coffee, I don't.

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."

My young son saw Trump on TV. He asked, "Why is the man on TV painted orange?" I replied, "Son, when Russia pays that much for equipment, they don't want it to rust."

The only difference between my grandma and the Twin Towers is that they collapsed faster than my grandma.

I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."

My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.

Literally every movie:

"I love you." "I love you, too."

My life:

My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.

As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.

Are you my pantry? Because you look like a snack ;)

Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.

Can I put my balls in your jaws?

What's the difference between a Lambo and 200 children in my basement? One screams; the children don't.