My jokes
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."
How did the burglar get into my house?
Intruder window.
Joe mama so fat, she could not walk the stairs of heaven.
Credits: to my friend.
Today was a bittersweet day...
Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!
People at my school have started to wear Logan Paul merch. I try to give them a high five, but they always leave me hanging.
I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.
I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.
My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.
I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”
My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?
I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.
Like it’s my next meal.
I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.
The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.
My girlfriend called me pedophile today.
Big word for a 12-year-old.
When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.
There are 206 bones in my body.
When I look at you, it becomes 207.
Dad: Ok son, if you fail this test, you're no longer my child, ok?
Son: Ok dad.
AFTER TEST
Dad: Hey son, how'd the test go?
Son: Son?
What's the difference between a penis and the bible? Nothing, the priest shoved them both down my throat.
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"