My jokes

There are 206 bones in my body.

When I look at you, it becomes 207.

I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.

What do my parents have in common with Nemo? They can't be found.

I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"

I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.

Like it’s my next meal.

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.

Dad: Ok son, if you fail this test, you're no longer my child, ok?

Son: Ok dad.

AFTER TEST

Dad: Hey son, how'd the test go?

Son: Son?

+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.

+1 comment = 1 kid in my microwave.

+1 share = 1 kid in my blender.

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

I prank called someone saying, "SON! IT'S ME, SON! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" My friend next to me asked who I was calling, and I said, "the orphanage."

Are you George Floyd?

Cause you take my breath away! 😮‍💨

Pregnant teen: I'm pregnant, my mum's gonna kill me.

Unborn baby: My mum's gonna kill me.

Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.

You look like something I drew with my left hand.

What did the female rapist say at her hearing?

"Well that boy's dick was inside me and you know what you metoo people say, 'my body my choice.'"

I will never forget my grandpa's last words: "You still holding the ladder, son?"

Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."

I wish my name was Voyager 2...

So I could have the first encounter with Uranus. :)