My jokes

So I was on Google, and on my computer it had Windows. When Stephen Hawking died, it shut down, the shutdown sound played, and wouldn't turn on again.

I’m gonna put my AR 15 up your fucking ass and pull the trigger!

My music teacher was investigated, but she was the one that taught me my fingerings.

Hi, my name isn't Pi.

Look up at the sky and wonder why.

Why are you alive?

This morning I woke up, then took a bath with some chocolate mud. At first, when I turned the damn flossers on, I noticed it wasn't water. It was all chocolate mud, and now my body is all chocolatey.

Your hairline is so old, it’s more wrinkled than my great grandpa's penis.

9/11 isn't something we should joke about. Some people can remember where they were when they found out. I'll never forget where I was when I found out.

It was 9:37, September 10th, 2001. I was in a cave in Iraq when my friend Mohammad told me.

Read my name. 👍🇮🇪

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

We were discussing cows in a lesson. I asked my teacher why she was one.

Have you heard about my new can crushing job?

It's soda-pressing.

One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

She asked me, "What are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."

What's the difference between me and my best friends?

At least one of us has a house.

My depressed body would look great hanging from a tree...

In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.

Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."

I’m trying to see things from LEO’S perspective... but I just can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

What did the 90s rocker Space Engineer in multiplayer Miner yell at the Troll stealing his stuff?

"Hey! give me my Nickelback!"

I went to ask my friend's mom if I could have a sleepover.

Then I remembered they did not have a mom or dad.

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.