Murder jokes
I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.
Q: Name a murderer?
Aborted fetus: My mum.
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is it murder-suicide?
What's a knife's favorite person?
The victim.
Kid: Hey, Mum, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Mum: Shut up, son, you’ll wake your father!
Q: Name a murderer?
A: Jews: Hitler. Russians: Stalin. Chinese: Mao. Americans: Bin Laden. Aborted fetus: My mom.
Dude,
if you stab a cereal box, will that make you a cereal killer?
To be brutally honest, I think his wife let him die for money, because they could just plug him back in. Surely they have an Android cable about?
Here’s what I did to the kids at the orphanage. I dropkicked 12, lit 10 on fire, comboed 9, punched 3, and murdered 1.
I killed a Wood elf yesterday. The guard charged me with... mer-der.
Why did the orphan become a killer?
Because he knew they would not look for him.
How do you get away with murder?
If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.
Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.
I killed a homeless dude, now he's at funeral home 😭💔
Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.
The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.
Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.
On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.
This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!
What's white as snow within 15-25 mins after death and then black and blue and red all over?
A corpse, of course!
How did the gay girl die? Homicide.
Serial killers be like: "Blood is red, veins are blue, next one is YOU."
The reason why Steven H. died was that someone poisoned his chocolate mousse.
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?