Murder

Murder Jokes

Friend

My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.

Van

Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.

Aish

I was wrong about AISH workers having no value.

If you get to them soon enough after the murder, you can harvest a few organs.

Family

There was a family, the father's name was Mad, the mother is Brain, the brother's name is Nobody and the sister's name is Everybody.

One day, Nobody killed Everybody, and the father ran to the police's office and screamed, "NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODY!!!!!"

"Sir, are you okay?" The police asked.

"I said, NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODYYYYY!!!!!" The father yelled even louder.

"Are you mad?" The police asked.

"Yes, because my name is Mad!" The father exclaimed.

"Where's your brain?" Asked the police.

"At home because my wife name is Brain," the father said. The police fell down due to the confusion.

Wood

An old man and a child are walking into the woods. Suddenly, they stop.

"Mister," the child says, "I'm scared, these woods are dark and creepy..."

The old man says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

Victim

I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.

Therapy

If a person kills their counselor, does that mean that they don't need therapy anymore?

Artist

Ya make 10 paintings, you aren't an artist.

Ya make 20 meals, you aren't a chef.

But when I kill ONE PERSON, I'm a "horrible person" and a "menace to society."

Bullet

What’s the difference between a police man and a bullet?

At least when a bullet kills someone, it’s actually fired.

Family

Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.

Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.

List

These jokes are darker than the list of victims dead from cops.

Corpse

What's white as snow within 15-25 mins after death and then black and blue and red all over?

A corpse, of course!

Rape

Rape, 9/11, abortion, orphan, murder, dead, kill, drugs.

What makes all these categories so familiar? Either you've experienced them, or made them up in your backstory.

Ex

How did Helen Keller die?

Her ex gave her plutonium and told her to eat it.

Suicide

Today I gave a blind guy a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. Since I have no fingerprints, the police said it was suicide. I guess you can say I took care of him!

Kid

When you're mean to the quiet kid in your class and he kills everyone, good times.