Murder jokes
My doctor gave me 1 year. So I shot him.
The judge gave me fifteen. Problem solved!
What’s the difference between the baby I just stabbed and Isaac Newton?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?
“They both blow heads.”
Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”
“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”
Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife, and no one could see him. He threw the body out of the car and threw the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife was dead and to come to the scene of the crime. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops immediately arrested him. Why?
ANSWER: The cops never said where the scene of the crime is.
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
Who is Tracy Latimer's least favourite actor?
Vin Diesel.
What does a lawyer defending a killer and a password have in common? They're case sensitive.
I got you the candy. Haha! You idiot, it's poison!
Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?
A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
These jokes are darker than the list of victims dead from cops.
I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.
Roses or daisies? Now I know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder that pussy.
My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.
Me: Hi Jaiden.
Bully/Jaiden Harper: Leave me alone, weirdo.
Me: Wow, says the one who didn't pass 3rd grade.
Bully/Jaiden Harper: *hits*
Me: *calls FBI and puts on gloves and stabs random person then gives knife to Jaiden and takes off gloves* Bye bye.
FBI: FBI OPEN UP!!!!!!!!!
"Man, your jokes about homicide are totally killer!"
Why does Hitler deserve heaven? Because he killed Hitler.