Murder

Murder jokes

Police Officer

    • A man is pulled over by a police officer.

    The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"

    The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?"

    The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."

    "You don't have one?"

    The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."

    The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"

    "I'm sorry, I can't do that."

    The officer says, "Why not?"

    "I stole this car."

    The officer says, "Stole it?"

    The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

    At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?!"

    "She's in the trunk if you want to see."

    The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

    The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please?"

    The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

    "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

    "Murdered the owner?"

    The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"

    The man opens the trunk, but there is nothing there.

    The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"

    The man says, "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

    The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

    "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

    The man digs through his pockets, pulls out a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

    The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

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    • Family

    • If you kill someone, that's murder.

    If you kill a family member, that's still murder.

    If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."

  • 0

    • Man

    • An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.

    Man: "Hey, cute lady!"

    Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."

    Man: "Not for long!"

    And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.

    Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"

    Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."

    Woman: "Never."

    And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.

    Man: "You look like a dream."

    Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."

    Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"

    Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"

    And then the man orders flowers and candy.

    Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."

    And the man shoots the bartender.

    Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.

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    • Murder memes

    Uncle

    • When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

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    • Axe

    • "Lizzie Borden took an axe. And gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one."

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    • Crime

    • If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

    Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

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    • Corpse

    • What's white as snow within 15-25 mins after death and then black and blue and red all over?

    A corpse, of course!

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