Murder jokes

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.

Me walking away after committing murder in a school with my trusty “friend”.

Q: Name a murderer?

A: Jews: Hitler. Russians: Stalin. Chinese: Mao. Americans: Bin Laden. Aborted fetus: My mom.

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”

“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

How did the gay girl die? Homicide.

So my dad walks into a bar and there was a hooker and a child. I was with him and they both approached us and they said only £50 for head but it was a little weird that the child was talking to my dad and the hooker was talking to me. I was about to say something but my dad pushed me over and my friend's uncle killed my dad.

The kid was never seen again. Her name was Madeleine McCann. I think I'm the only one who knows where she is, but overall the head from the hooker was good.

Why does Hitler deserve heaven? Because he killed Hitler.

My brother got his legs chopped off, but someone FBI opened my basement door, but it wasn't my brother because he died of starvation in the basement.

There is a Mexican sitting on a train.

The guy sitting next to him says, "I have a big dick."

The Mexican decides to get a lawnmower and some clippers. When he got off the train, the police found a dead body with no dick and pube hairs.

There was a family, the father's name was Mad, the mother is Brain, the brother's name is Nobody and the sister's name is Everybody.

One day, Nobody killed Everybody, and the father ran to the police's office and screamed, "NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODY!!!!!"

"Sir, are you okay?" The police asked.

"I said, NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODYYYYY!!!!!" The father yelled even louder.

"Are you mad?" The police asked.

"Yes, because my name is Mad!" The father exclaimed.

"Where's your brain?" Asked the police.

"At home because my wife name is Brain," the father said. The police fell down due to the confusion.

There are so many things about Tracy Latimer's murder that I wish I knew. Did he buckle up her seatbelt? Did he put the radio on for her?

Did he tell her she was going on a little trip to Gastown?

There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?

The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"

Every like this gets, I will kill a telemarketer.

Every dislike, I will kill a cute puppy.

Every comment, I will kill your ex bf or gf and send you a PS5.

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.

My mum found a chest that was wet, and it had a child in it. She asked me what it was for. I said I put kids in it and chuck it in a river until they are dead.

When you're mean to the quiet kid in your class and he kills everyone, good times.