Murder jokes
Q: Name a murderer?
Aborted fetus: My mum.
I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.
The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.
A man named Icide ruined my life. I asked a friend if he would help me sue him. He said yes. But for some reason, he killed me.
All I wanted was for someone to help me sue Icide...
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
What did the man do when he caught his wife cheating on him?
He honor-killed her.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he was arrested on suspicion of murder.
What do you find in Jeffrey Dahmer's shower?
Heads and shoulders.
Donald Trump is to white Americans as O.J. Simpson is to black Americans. They will never choose to convict these people even if they murdered or raped.
Ya make 10 paintings, you aren't an artist.
Ya make 20 meals, you aren't a chef.
But when I kill ONE PERSON, I'm a "horrible person" and a "menace to society."
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is it murder-suicide?
what is the difference between a basement full of dead prostitutes and a bowling ball in the basement?
I don't bowl.
Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.
Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.
Why would an orphan kill his family? Because they weren't there.
I killed a man in '94.
Today I gave a blind guy a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. Since I have no fingerprints, the police said it was suicide. I guess you can say I took care of him!
4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.
My grandpa's last words were, "Why is there a body in my kitchen?"
No witnesses.
Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”
“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”
I came across a dead body in the woods. I liked it so much I came again.