Murder Jokes

If you kill someone, that's murder. If you kill a family member, that's still murder. If you kill a child, that's "child abuse"

murder murder suicide by police

today my idiot brother screamed"ahhhhh im dead!' but it wasn't really, so i d3cded to make it a reality until my sister came.............................

AND HELPED ME! - for once but then two minutes later my mom showed up, we k!lled him right infront of her and she screamed! "DONUTS AND PIZZA FOR YPU AND MORE IF YOU GO TO MRS ROBERTS HOUSE AND SAY HI AND BYE TO DADDY!!!!! and she hands us both a sharp tool and i say what about tommy??!!! arn't u MAD!!!!!!! then she replied who's THAT!!??? COZ HE AINT MINE HIS NAME IS TOMMY, TOMMY ROBERTS. so then me and my sister visit mrs ROBERTS AND SHE SAID OH THIS ISN'T ANYTHING IMPORTANT GO HOME! so then my sister nd i say hi! and do a countdount aftr that my nike white jumper had turned red! IT WAS A MUCH BETTER COLOUR , MUM SEEMED TO APROVE AS WELL!😊😊😊 but then the police question us where daddy was so then mom said....................... oh he's moved on! so then the police officer was like ahem ma'm where! SO THEN I BELLOWED.......................... UP - UR -A##. And we got let off the hook, then we moved oh and we k!lled the cop 2 and oh did i meantion we HAD a maid, and a landlord and a cat but they were all 2 annoying so we got rid of them and now our new backyard is very smellyyy and i dont think there is enoff space to put muummy anymore so now i dont think sissy will fit either🧐 i will ask my neibour nessy she'll obviously say YES or ill........................................

ok like for part two☺☺☺

what did jeff dahmer say to the gays? get over here and let me give you so much anial to where you die DADDY! UWU!

So 3 guys are walking down the street together and decide to go rob a bank. The first one goes for the richest man in the city’s vault but can’t open it easily, and is caught and sent to death in jail for robbing the richest man. The second one goes for his uncles vault because screw that son of a b***h he’s rich why does he need all the money. But his uncle was unfortunately at the vault that day and snapped his nephews neck. The third one went for his ex’s vault and thought “well that b***h can suck my d**k she’s so poor anyway who would care if I take all her money so she dies of hunger and dehydration and homelessness” so he managed to get into her vault easily because it wasn’t heavily locked and took all her money. The next day the third guys ex showed up to his house and said “imma f*****g murder you” so she shot him dead and got her money from his house. In hell the three guys see each other and explain what happened. The third guy did and then asked “you know I don’t get it. If the richest guys are heavily guarded but already have so much money in their house why does it need to be heavily guarded? I don’t understand why the poorer aren’t heavily guarded when they are so poor they need the money.” And the first guy said “b***h I don’t know maybe the bank tellers think poor people should suck it and just die already”

The ice cream man tried to murder me today.

Do [or "Oh, do"] you know the murderer, The murderer, the murderer, Do you know murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane?

Yes [or "Oh, yes"], I know the murderer, The muffin man, the murderer, Yes, I know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane

Once there was a woman who had a husband and a dog, the husband dies. The dog would always sleep under the bed and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down and the dog would like it to say she/he was alright. One night it was thunder storming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does he/she likes her hand.

Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap. But the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.

On the mirror it said, "Humans can like too", in the dogs blood.

This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!

me, calls the police* me: hey imma commit suicide! cop on the phone: please wait till we get there me: why, so you can then stop me? cop on the phone: no, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper...and we are all bord! me: ok, my house number is ********************* ok! cop on the phone: awesome! just a sec. whispers*** guys I finally found someone who wants to get killed!

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they killed a whole family of crows.. it was a murder!... they killed a bunch of ravens..what a conspiracy!!

I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend it was a good movie but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes through out the whole movie

me walking away after committing murder in a school with my trusty “friend”

RAPE 9/11 ABORTION ORPHAN MURDER DEAD KILL DRUGS am I funny now? Because this is what you brainlets find funny.

Here’s what I did to the kids at the orphanage. I dropkicked 12, lit 10 on fire, comboe’d 9 punched 3 and murdered 1.

. . __________

An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman, and falls in love with her. Man: Hey, cute lady! Woman: Leave me alone, you ugly two faced man! I already have a boyfriend. Man: Not for long! And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend. Woman: How dare you murder such a beautiful man! Man: Now you shall be my girlfriend. Woman: Never. And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before. Man: You look like a dream. Woman: Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder. Man: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly woman? Bleuch! Woman: What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men? And then the man orders flowers and candy. Bartender: We don't serve flowers, or candy. And the man shoots the bartender. Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man, and throws him out.