Murder jokes

If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?

This guy tried to kill me, and I asked, "What is this? Friday the Thirteenth?" Michael replied, "Nah, it's Halloween."

I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.

What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?

“They both blow heads.”

If you kill someone, that's murder.

If you kill a family member, that's still murder.

If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."

I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

The last thing that went through Abe Lincoln's head was a bullet.

"Lizzie Borden took an axe. And gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one."

An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.

Man: "Hey, cute lady!"

Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."

Man: "Not for long!"

And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.

Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"

Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."

Woman: "Never."

And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.

Man: "You look like a dream."

Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"

Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"

And then the man orders flowers and candy.

Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."

And the man shoots the bartender.

Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.

What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his first boyfriend?

If abortion is murder, is jerking off genocide?

What did the man do when he caught his wife cheating on him?

He honor-killed her.

What's a knife's favorite person?

The victim.

Crimes in 2018: assault, murder.

Crimes in 2020: coughing in public.

I don't get why it is called abortion instead of murder.

How do you get away with murder?

Dude,

if you stab a cereal box, will that make you a cereal killer?

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

In the morning, I become a cereal killer.