Medicine jokes
What happens when you have a bladder infection? You're in trouble!
POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.
Q: What is the worst thing to hear your surgeon say?
A: Oops, I dropped my lollipop!
I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!
What a negative effect!
A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.
Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!
Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
I don’t call it special ED, I call it mixed vegetables.
Why was the director injured?
He couldn't find the right cast!
What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?
He strained himself.
If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.
What is small, red, and sitting in the corner?
A baby playing with a scalpel.
What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?
One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush.
Why are quadriplegics so unsympathetic? Because they only have feeling in 10% of their body.
John pretended to be a doctor.
Motu came to him. He said, "I lost my hunger."
John brought some samosas for his lunch. Motu ate them. John said, "Your hunger is back!"
Then, Motu said, "I lost my taste."
John said, "Number 1, bring some water." Motu drank it and said, "This is petrol!" John said, "Your taste is back!"
Motu said, "I lost my memory."
John said, "Number 1, bring some medicine." Motu said, "But Number 1 brought water." John said, "Your memory is back!"
What's the difference between a surgeon and God?
God knows he's not a surgeon.
I get knocked down, but I get up again, as long as I have 46 chromosomes.