Medicine jokes

What does this website with its comments and a cult have in common?

We have a case of Witzelsucht.

A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."

The man asks, "Why?"

The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

Why can't Oregon go to the doctor?

Because they need parents' signature.

If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?

What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?

He strained himself.

Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.

Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.

I don’t call it special ED, I call it mixed vegetables.

Why was the director injured?

He couldn't find the right cast!

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

What do you get when you mix Viagra with spinach?

Strong to the finish.

Why are quadriplegics so unsympathetic? Because they only have feeling in 10% of their body.

John pretended to be a doctor.

Motu came to him. He said, "I lost my hunger."

John brought some samosas for his lunch. Motu ate them. John said, "Your hunger is back!"

Then, Motu said, "I lost my taste."

John said, "Number 1, bring some water." Motu drank it and said, "This is petrol!" John said, "Your taste is back!"

Motu said, "I lost my memory."

John said, "Number 1, bring some medicine." Motu said, "But Number 1 brought water." John said, "Your memory is back!"

What's the difference between a surgeon and God?

God knows he's not a surgeon.

What do you call a person whose Lymphoma keeps recurring?

A Lymphomaniac.

I'd make a joke about corn, but it's too corny.

Then again, I could make a joke about eyes, but that would be even cornea. My funny bone is broken. I guess it was because those jokes were too humerus.

I get knocked down, but I get up again, as long as I have 46 chromosomes.