Medicine jokes
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.
Why do people consume "Laxatives"?
Answer: So that they can take a "Shit", STUPID!
Why did the United Nations stop the french government from using the guillotine in public?
because the french government was using the guillotine in public on newborn baby boys for circumcision.
I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.
How much did the liver weigh?
It weighed a skeleTON.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.
Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?
Oh, it's still cancer.
Where do cows get their medicine?
At the farmacy.
I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.
Doctor: Oh, I see.
Me: Ahhhh!!!!!
If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.
What do you call an epileptic kid?
Little Seizures.
Quit making those progeria jokes. They get old very quickly.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
What was the epileptic chef’s house special?
Seizure salad.
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
What creature takes the most medicine?
Caterpillar.
A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.
The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.
The man then got plastic prosthetics.
Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.
After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Your mama is so stupid, she made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.