Medicine jokes

I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.

Doctor: Oh, I see.

Me: Ahhhh!!!!!

Why do-- wait, what am I saying? What am I talking about?

"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."

What is a similarity between priests and doctors?

They both have fetishes for their professions.

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

Q: What is the worst thing to hear your surgeon say?

A: Oops, I dropped my lollipop!

I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!

What a negative effect!

POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.

What's the difference between a blowjob and cough syrup?

They can both give you relief and make you gag at the same time.

If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?

What happens when you have a bladder infection? You're in trouble!

Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.

Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

I don’t call it special ED, I call it mixed vegetables.

What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?

He strained himself.

In life, some people have it harder than others.

That's why Viagra exists.