Medicine jokes
Mom: Wake up!
Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...
Mom: Why are you disappointed?
Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...
What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?
Hearing AIDS.
Did you hear about the mad who got his whole left side cut off? He's all right now.
Where do cows get their medicine?
At the farmacy.
"Jack and Jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town, gave him a frown, and his arms were pricked."
What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?
DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!
What did the cancer doctor say?
You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!
In life, some people have it harder than others.
That's why Viagra exists.
Hey there, wanna buy some chromosomes?
Why did the United Nations stop the french government from using the guillotine in public?
because the french government was using the guillotine in public on newborn baby boys for circumcision.
I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.
Know why they call gonorrhea gonorrhea?
'Cause once you have it, everyone is gone.
Why did Grampa pass out? Because of diabetes.
Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and Uber Eats?
Abortion clinics don't do deliveries.
Doc: Can I help you?
Girl: Doctor, I have pain in my heart.
Doc: When did it begin?
Girl: Right now (seeing him like a doll).
Doc: Hh...do you like me? I know I am handsome...
Girl: No, don’t get me wrong. You just look like someone I know.
Doc: Who is that? Is your boyfriend?
Girl: No, it’s my pet (rabbit), his name is Rokie.
I went to the doctor's yesterday. I said, "When I touch my back, it hurts. When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch anything, it hurts!" 😣 What’s wrong with me?
Doctor: You’ve broken your finger.
Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.
What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?
He strained himself.
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.