Medicine jokes
Did you hear about the mad who got his whole left side cut off? He's all right now.
What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?
DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!
"Jack and Jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town, gave him a frown, and his arms were pricked."
In life, some people have it harder than others.
That's why Viagra exists.
What did the cancer doctor say?
You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!
Hey there, wanna buy some chromosomes?
Why did the United Nations stop the french government from using the guillotine in public?
because the french government was using the guillotine in public on newborn baby boys for circumcision.
I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.
Know why they call gonorrhea gonorrhea?
'Cause once you have it, everyone is gone.
Today was like every other day. It was so terribly long and so terribly dreary. I fear these feelings will never end. I’ll always feel so dark, feel so hopeless. Sometimes all I want is for it to end. For all of it to end, for all of my thoughts to end. I despise the way that always comes to mind. But I feel so lost, feel so hopeless. If something would just work. But nothing has worked. Nothing can fix this. These feelings will pass. These days won't feel so endless... or so absolutely heavy. Just give it some time. Just give it some hope... and some belief. The ‘happy pills’ will work. The doctor says they'll help... they'll help it go away. Just dump the pill in your hand. Let yourself place the little white thing on your tongue... Let yourself throw your head back and swallow. It'll make this better. It should make me feel better.
Everything has changed! The world is so bright— The world is so loud! I don’t know how I never noticed! The sun is so warm— The grass is so green! I feel so awake! I feel so content— I feel so happy! It’s so strange! I’m not anxious— I’m not overthinking! I guess those pills really worked! I think I’m really getting better— I think I’m really going to be happy!
Why did Grampa pass out? Because of diabetes.
Doc: Can I help you?
Girl: Doctor, I have pain in my heart.
Doc: When did it begin?
Girl: Right now (seeing him like a doll).
Doc: Hh...do you like me? I know I am handsome...
Girl: No, don’t get me wrong. You just look like someone I know.
Doc: Who is that? Is your boyfriend?
Girl: No, it’s my pet (rabbit), his name is Rokie.
I went to the doctor's yesterday. I said, "When I touch my back, it hurts. When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch anything, it hurts!" 😣 What’s wrong with me?
Doctor: You’ve broken your finger.
What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?
He strained himself.
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and Uber Eats?
Abortion clinics don't do deliveries.
Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.
What's the hardest line to draw in a hospital?
... A FLATLINE!
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.