Medicine jokes
Q: What is the worst thing to hear your surgeon say?
A: Oops, I dropped my lollipop!
I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!
What a negative effect!
What's the difference between a blowjob and cough syrup?
They can both give you relief and make you gag at the same time.
POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.
What is a similarity between priests and doctors?
They both have fetishes for their professions.
Memes
Why do-- wait, what am I saying? What am I talking about?
I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.
Doctor: Oh, I see.
Me: Ahhhh!!!!!
"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."
You know what I like most about people with Parkinson's... Their handshake!
Why can't Oregon go to the doctor?
Because they need parents' signature.
If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?
What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?
He strained himself.
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
I don’t call it special ED, I call it mixed vegetables.
Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.
Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!
Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.
If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.
Why was the director injured?
He couldn't find the right cast!