Medicine jokes

What happens when you have a bladder infection? You're in trouble!

Q: What is the worst thing to hear your surgeon say?

A: Oops, I dropped my lollipop!

A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."

The man asks, "Why?"

The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?

POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.

I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!

What a negative effect!

I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

What is a similarity between priests and doctors?

They both have fetishes for their professions.

What's the difference between a blowjob and cough syrup?

They can both give you relief and make you gag at the same time.

What does this website with its comments and a cult have in common?

We have a case of Witzelsucht.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.

Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.

Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.

I don’t call it special ED, I call it mixed vegetables.

What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?

He strained himself.