Medicine jokes
When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.
I said that I have been ill.
What is small, red, and sitting in the corner?
A baby playing with a scalpel.
Why was the North Tower a bad doctor when the South Tower collapsed?
Because the North Tower didn’t do CPR.
It's all fun and games until they start dancing.
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.
Friend: Hi!
Me: Who are you?
Friend: ...your friend?
Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.
What does this website with its comments and a cult have in common?
We have a case of Witzelsucht.
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.
A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
What is a similarity between priests and doctors?
They both have fetishes for their professions.
I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.
Doctor: Oh, I see.
Me: Ahhhh!!!!!
Why do-- wait, what am I saying? What am I talking about?
The only doctor you have is Doctor Pepper.
When you ask for plastic surgery, they said, "We could not fix you, but the only way is to wear a mask to fix your ugly face."
Why can't Oregon go to the doctor?
Because they need parents' signature.
"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."
You know what I like most about people with Parkinson's... Their handshake!
Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.