Medicine

Medicine jokes

Blowjob

What's the difference between a blowjob and cough syrup?

They can both give you relief and make you gag at the same time.

Fetish

What is a similarity between priests and doctors?

They both have fetishes for their professions.

Therapist

I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.

Doctor: Oh, I see.

Me: Ahhhh!!!!!

Memes

Pizzeria

"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."

Oregon

Why can't Oregon go to the doctor?

Because they need parents' signature.

Dick

Bobby had 54 dicks (54).

He took 33 pills a month (5433).

Once he ran out of pills, he was left with 45 dicks (543345).

(Flip the calculator once you got the full number. 543345! He's got a lot!

Die Hard

If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?

Leper

What happened to the leper when he accidentally walked into the screen door?

He strained himself.

Doctor

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

Anesthesia

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

Doctor

A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."

The man asks, "Why?"

The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Forehead

Your forehead so big you got to take Tylenol pills, big like chocolate chip cookies.

School

Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.

Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!

Orphan

Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.

Drug

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.