Medicine jokes

My boss doctor said that we are getting a surgeon coming in tomorrow. I'm super excited to work with him. The next day, we had to do our first-ever open heart surgery, so me and the surgeon spent many hours on this patient. We finished the surgery and went outside for a smoke, and we were talking. I said, "Why did you keep the patient's blood on your glove?"

He replied, "We in my free time I test it for anything diseases, HIV." The next day, I got invited to his house, and we had some drinks. I said, "This is amazing red tea. What is in it?" Just the 2000 people you have cut open.

What are the four letters you don't want to hear from a dentist?

I C D K

Imagine this scenario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "You have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc." and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.

What do people with cancer always want to watch?

"Finding Chemo."

What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"

A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.

The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.

The man then got plastic prosthetics.

Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.

After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.

I work on medicine; my job is to smell it to see if it's bad :)

What do you call it when someone fucks shoe inserts?

Orthopediphilia.

What can you do if you can't bear sharing the same blood as your father who raped you?

Have a blood transfusion.

I would tell you an abortion joke, but it was only temporary.

Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.

What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?

Doctor Bones.

Why is it always cold in the hospital?

To keep the vegetables fresh.

Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn't close the casket.

Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?

Doctor: The morgue.

Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!

Doctor: And we're not there yet!

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!

Bro's chin looks like it's from that movie cartoon named Kronk. No wonder he got stung by a bee and took an ibuprofen to reduce the pain, but instead it grew longer.

Why did he go to the chiropractors?

To get his spine fixed.

Meat stands for: M - monitoring, E - evaluating, A - assessing/addressing, T - treatment.

So when you're shoving meat up people's asses, then you're monitoring them, evaluating them, assessing them, and treating them.