Medicine jokes
How do you stop constipation?
You scare the crap outta them.
(Crap is another word for poop.)
What did the cancer cell say to its neighbor?
"Mind if I join you?"
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
What's the hardest line to draw in a hospital?
... A FLATLINE!
Hi! Welcome to Papa John's abortion clinic, where yesterday's meat is today's treat. How may I be of service?
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."
They say if Viagra lasts more than four hours, call the doctor? I’m just wondering, it’s been six hours and I’m still hard, should I call the doctor or hop on another woman?
Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.
Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?
Oh, it's still cancer.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes time to put you under.
Why are hospitals always freezing? They need to keep the vegetables cold.
What kind of animal makes a good bottle opener?
A male Duck on Viagra.
Sarcastic Doctor: Tell me.
Guy: I have leukemia in the brain.
Sarcastic Doctor: That doesn't concern me.
What is the perfect job for a pedophile?
A physical doctor for kids.
*having sex on lexapro*
Her: Cum for me, baby!
Me: I'm trying!
What was the epileptic chef’s house special?
Seizure salad.
My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.