ME jokes

I was wearing a mask and told the teacher I ate her vagina. She said what? I pulled my mask down and said, "No, I said I like your hyenas." Then a kid sees me do it, but he only heard the first part, so he goes up to the teach and says, "I'ma fuck you tonight." She said, "Pull your mask down," and he pulls his mask down and says, "I'ma fuck you tonight."

A pirate walks into a tavern with a pirate ship attached to his nutty wuttys. It's driving me nuts!

A troll proceeds to pull out a desert eagle and shoot the pirate in the face. He makes a poggers face and says, "Problem??"

"The legend says Tinker Bell was good in jerkin' off Peter with her tiny fingers, but it pains me to think that Captain Hook was a closeted-sadist boyfriend."

"When I was a child, my blind mother taught me hand jobs, like carpentry and painting with her legs."

Q. What's the Premier of Alberta's favorite sex toy? A. I don't know, but I wish it were me.

There are people weirder looking than me.

Like who?

Like people with Down syndrome.

Boss: Can I do a reference check?

Me: I don’t have a...

*sensei appears*

Me: oh no

Sensei: He was a good student, but he lacked kizma.

Boss: What's kiz...

Sensei:😈

Me: Oh no, here we go.

Sensei: Kizma AS-

Me: uses the crucifix.

Rush: Ahahahahahahæanananana!

What did the toaster say to the bread?

"I want you inside me!"

Once Roblox popped up in my server, be like, "Roblox, what are you doing?"

Me: "What the heck?" Me: "How did I get in your server?"

Roblox: "You've been banned for just cheating!"

"Lune, it’s me."

Me: Can I have your chair? 💺 You: Why? Me: For charity.

I love the word legs.

Wanna help me spread the word?

They call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me poor and ugly.

My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).

So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."

Ralphie: They put drugs in our medication?

Me: The medication is the drugs.

What’s the difference between me and Glow In The Dark Intelligent Putty? The putty’s intelligent!

One day I was at school, and this girl had the nerve. She told me to go to the back of the line. I was looking behind me, and she said, "What are you looking for?" I said, "To who [are] you talking to, boo boo?" Like, is you you my momma?

If being sexy was a crime, you can call me......... a law-abiding citizen.

Roses are red, I'm off the grid,

John Cena accidentally says "you can't see me" to a blind kid.