ME jokes
Me: MOM, I'm tired.
Mom: Take a nap.
Me: No, I can't sleep if Dad isn't here.
Mom: *hangs picture of dad on her room wall* Well, now you can.
What did the grape say to the banana? "Stop graping me!"
"-Hey dude, you got some beef? You want some beef from me?"
"- No thanks... I'm vegetarian!"
One day me and my friend Howard the duck went into the bar. I ordered a drink. Howard told the waiter to put it on his... BILL.
Adopted kid:
Hey, Alex, what are you doing?
Alex:
Nothing, just playing my game. Anyways, you know you can call me "dad."
Adopted kid:
OK, dad Alex.
Alex:
Oh, come on! My game! I’m winning. Let’s go!
Adopted kid:
I’m so glad I have a mom.
So I told my sister, "Want [to] hear some jokes?" and she was like, "Hit me with [your] best shot, fire away," and I was like, "Okay, I know [you're] singing an old song, yeah I was trying to see if [you] sing too," and I said, "Who do [you] think I am, Chris Brown?"
Bro told me this when he passed away.
I’m “Fading.”
You know what's so horrible about this website?
When I mimic another person's account, the picture ALWAYS changes color. No more identity theft for me.
Roses are red, get on your knees, and bark for me!
My friend: How are you running so fast? You just had 10 hamburgers!
Me: It’s the 10 hamburgers that are making me run fast!
Add me on Snapchat for streaks: Loganlytton.
What did A say to Y?
"You cannot be alpha like me." :)
Y said, "Why? (Y)"
What did the dad say to the kid?
"U got to be kidding me."
Tell me a joke.
OK, your face.
My name is Justin. I like dick. Lit? Let me eat you out like?
A friend warned me that if I voted for Goldwater in 1964, we'd end up bombing North Viet Nam.
Well, I voted for him anyway, and sure enough, we ended up bombing North Viet Nam.
If someone called you ugly, say before you call me ugly, look in a mirror.
Bully: Agh, you're ugly!
Me: Said your mom when you were born.
Q. What's the Premier of Alberta's favorite sex toy? A. I don't know, but I wish it were me.
A neighbor went up to me and asked me where my parents were. When I said, "In the bed," my neighbor said, "Oooooohh, how long is the penis?" I said, "Wait here," and I interrupted my parents while they were doing some "business" and asked my dad the exact question he said. Then he spanked me.