ME jokes

Friend texting fat boy: I know you're on the group chat. I can see you looking at my texts.

Me: I can only see fat.

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).

So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."

If you buy two condoms, but you're banging a woman, it's fine, don't throw it away, just make her transgender.

I dunno man, worked for me.

You may not like me, but you still look up to me.

I may not be the brightest candle on the cake, but you can still blow me.

It’s funny my sister wanted to have sex with me.

I said to the orphan, "Do you want me to take you to your family? Oh wait..."

Me: You know your parents were very good people.

Orphan: Wow, I didn’t know that.

Me: I know, you're an orphan.

My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.

I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.

My mum told me to take you to the zoo and throw you in the lake, but I couldn't find you.

Me sais yes to mom when she seis wha is 1 plus 1 and me is says NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! looooooooooooooooooolllolololololol

What is the difference between you and me? I have parents and yours left...

My roasts aren't funny. At least this shit gets me money.

Guys talk to me is what the emo loner said, but seriously, talk to me.

poop i eat it for dinner i eat it at night yet it never comes out of me? how is that possibul?

pOOp

Me: Bomber333 is the imposter!

Other Crewmate: Why do you say that as if you know who the imposter is with 100% certainty?

Then he read my username and knew.

My newly wed wife is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

Me: Can I have your chair? 💺 You: Why? Me: For charity.

When someone says don't talk back to me, say, "I wasn't aware that answering a question was considered talking back."