Diary jokes

Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.

What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?

“Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”

My sister says I’m annoying, or that’s what I read in her diary.

What did Ron put in his diary?

I "Her-mio-ne" after I banged her last night.

I found Jeffrey Epstein’s diary the other day.

The last entry was about 12 years old.

Why didn’t Anne Frank just finish her diary?

Concentration problems.

Me: Ice woman diary: a witch's tin key.

Other: What? You said, "I swim in diarrhea, which is stinky?"

The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.

Me when I find my sister's diary: oooooo!

My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

Let's make a joke on how depressing Monday is to ignore how depressing everyday is.

I keep getting these letters from this little girl every year on Father's Day. I told the orphanage to stop letting her send these.