Diary jokes

Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.

What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?

“Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”

My sister says I’m annoying, or that’s what I read in her diary.

What did Ron put in his diary?

I "Her-mio-ne" after I banged her last night.

I found Jeffrey Epstein’s diary the other day.

The last entry was about 12 years old.

Why didn’t Anne Frank just finish her diary?

Concentration problems.

Me: Ice woman diary: a witch's tin key.

Other: What? You said, "I swim in diarrhea, which is stinky?"

The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.

Me when I find my sister's diary: oooooo!

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.

My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.