Diary jokes

Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.

What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?

“Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”

My sister says I’m annoying, or that’s what I read in her diary.

What did Ron put in his diary?

I "Her-mio-ne" after I banged her last night.

I found Jeffrey Epstein’s diary the other day.

The last entry was about 12 years old.

Why didn’t Anne Frank just finish her diary?

Concentration problems.

Me: Ice woman diary: a witch's tin key.

Other: What? You said, "I swim in diarrhea, which is stinky?"

The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.

Me when I find my sister's diary: oooooo!

People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

Let's make a joke on how depressing Monday is to ignore how depressing everyday is.

I keep getting these letters from this little girl every year on Father's Day. I told the orphanage to stop letting her send these.

It's been raining for days. My wife is totally depressed. She keeps looking through the window. If this keeps up, I'll have to let her in.

Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.

My depression: hey, what's up!

Me: go away.

My depression: well how rude.

Me: 🙄.

My depression: remember that one time......

Me: no, don't even.

My depression: that we.....

Me: nope.

My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.

Me: 😳😶😟.

My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.