Diary jokes

Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.

What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?

“Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”

My sister says I’m annoying, or that’s what I read in her diary.

What did Ron put in his diary?

I "Her-mio-ne" after I banged her last night.

I found Jeffrey Epstein’s diary the other day.

The last entry was about 12 years old.

Why didn’t Anne Frank just finish her diary?

Concentration problems.

Me: Ice woman diary: a witch's tin key.

Other: What? You said, "I swim in diarrhea, which is stinky?"

The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.

Me when I find my sister's diary: oooooo!

People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

It's been raining for days. My wife is totally depressed. She keeps looking through the window. If this keeps up, I'll have to let her in.