ME jokes
The lasagna I just cooked is for me, my friends, and family. You don't get none because your name is not on the list. You wanna know why? 'Cause you got the whole place smelling like catdog and ass.
My name is Devonair.
When I get a haircut, it's always bald.
Kids make fun of me, they call me "dang-near bald head."
My name is Devonair *dev-on-near*
I always thought they were making fun of me because of my name pronounced near.
Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.
So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...
My ex misses me, but her aim is getting better.
Why did you put your dirty ass feet in my grits without telling me all this?
Because I forgot to wash and dry them with a paper towel.
"Nepal is a good place because it has been a great time for me."
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
The coach yelled at me when I stole home. I ran home with the base and asked him where to put it.
Do you love water?
Then you love 75% of me.
There are two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, “Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?”
The other muffin says, “AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”
"I see, I see." "Oh, do you see?" "I see 1st place looking at me." "Hi, don’t be shy, just say hi." She was shy, she didn’t say hi. Softball cheers.
The teacher asks me what my favourite word is.
I said it but got told off and sent to the principal.
What is my favourite word?
You remind me of a pencil.
Why?
Because at one time, you actually made a valid point. This time, everything is pointless with you around.
Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.
Texter 2: How?
Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.
What is the difference between me and food?
Food has a use.
I told my lesbian friends, "I wanna watch," so they bought me a Timex®.
It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
"Thank you for letting me borrow your wife."
*darned autocorrect*
"Thank you for letting me borrow your wi-fi"
I saw a Down syndrome kid waving at me today, but there's no way I'm swimming all the way over there to save him.
"Eugheugh," said the boy.
My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.
Hey, wanna know why you remind me of a waitress?
Because you handle my food great, and I give you a good tip afterwards.