ME jokes

What's the funniest thing you ever read? For me it was when Rapboat told me he was a legit rapper.

What did the rapper say to the ATM?

"Show me the money, or I'll drop a BEAT!"

My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

What's the difference between me and you?

I leave white stains in your mom's bed, and you leave white stains in my mom's bed!

Q: What did the Jewish person say when he beat me in a race?

A: Eat my dust.

Your mom's been giving me attitude lately, so I told her to shut her mouth. When she did, it caused me to lose 4 inches.

I got barred from Weight Watchers today.

It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.

Wife: "Honey? What do you think about my teeth?"

Husband: "They remind me of stars... yellow and far apart."

Who likes dick? Answer me!

Me: How many letters are in the alphabet?

That one friend: 11 - T-H-E-- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.

I asked God why nobody likes me. He showed a reflection of myself.

Teacher: "Hey, James, this is the third time I asked you a question!"

James: "But you told me not to answer you back!"

Hi... I'm depressed.

I was being interviewed by Elon Musk. He asked, "Where are you from?" and I said Portugal. He replied, "So you are a fellow countryman of a Pen merchant whose freekick ball broke my rover on Mars. Get out!!" Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Penaldo, for costing me my dream job!

Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

Me.

You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.

Friend: Did Jesus die a virgin?

Me: Of course not, he got nailed before he died.

Does it make me gay if I kiss your dad and he decides to drill my ass?

My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.

Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.

I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut for me.

Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.