ME jokes

Friend: What are you doing?

Me: Putting peanut butter on my balls.

Friend hears in the distance, "Orphans, I have food for you!"

Give me followers instantly!

Me: How many letters are in the alphabet?

That one friend: 11 - T-H-E-- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.

What’s the difference between me and grass? Grass doesn’t cut itself.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back!

Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

Me.

You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.

Does it make me gay if I kiss your dad and he decides to drill my ass?

My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.

Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.

No one will fight me, who is brave and strong enough to beat this beta simp femboy?

I was being interviewed by Elon Musk. He asked, "Where are you from?" and I said Portugal. He replied, "So you are a fellow countryman of a Pen merchant whose freekick ball broke my rover on Mars. Get out!!" Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Penaldo, for costing me my dream job!

My friend: "Hey, I see a dwarf!"

Me: "Where?"

Friend: "In front of me."

Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.

So I walk into a bar, and there’s people waiting in line to punch me in the face.

That’s the punch line.

Tooth 1: Hey, do you like my jokes?

Tooth 2: Yeah, but they're cracking me up.

I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut for me.

"1v1 me in Clash, you're trash, bro."

What's the bad version of "Fuck Nirvana, rape me?"

Teacher: Can someone tell me the only living thing that can reproduce without sex?

Little Johnny: "Your wife."

One thing you can ask Mario:

"Can you jump up and down for me?"

I wish my ex-wife would take me back. :(