ME jokes

Me: *in a family meeting*

Mom: Ok guys...

Me in my mind: BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA

I was walking to the park and a mystery killer came and shot me.

My friend and I were playing Poker... And my friend also beat me with Jackass.

There was a new kid in my school. The first thing the teacher said was, "Me, you, the basement NOW!"

Teacher: Everyone, tomorrow is bring your mom to school day.

Me: Sorry but my mom's not gonna make it.

Teacher: Why?

Me: I'm an orphan, bitch.

Why didn't the pirate write a letter to his mom?

Are you kidding me?!?

I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."

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My sister said I'm stupid and I'm a baby, and I said, "Oh, I didn't know we were talking about you."

My teacher: Oliver will be transitioning.

Me: tRaNsItIoNiNg!!!!

My teacher: He will be transitioning from primary school to secondary school.

Me: I thought you meant another transitioning...

Sarcastic Doctor: Tell me.

Guy: I have leukemia in the brain.

Sarcastic Doctor: That doesn't concern me.

Me so horny! Me so horny!

Wife: I think these pants are getting too small for me!

Husband: Don't worry, maybe you are just bad at laundry.

Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?

I wake up and I find myself on the floor.

My sister beat me in a race. She gave me a raspberry. I was bitter.

She invited me in the house, and we started makin' out again.

Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?

12 year old me: Yeah!

Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?

Me: What?

I was at a football match, and the ball was getting closer. Then it hit me. *face palm*

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Bagel."

"Bagel who?"

"Toast, it's me, your arch-nemesis, Bagel, here to make up! Bye!"

There are days I feel really bad for my Wife. She has to feed me in the same place I take a dump.

She really hates it when I spit my food back out.