Marriage jokes
What makes a nuke and divorce the same?
It only takes one of each to end your life.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around.”
The South Tower proposed to the North Tower, but he said no.
You want to hear some marriage jokes?
Don't worry, it's just a couple.
Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
Why did Miss Stephen get divorced? She didn't float, too.
Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"
Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."
My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.
A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, “I shaved down there; you know what that means.”
The husband responds, “Yeah, the drain is clogged.”
A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.
The poor guy asks the rich guy, "What'd you get for your wife today?"
The rich guy replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."
The poor guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"
The rich guy says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, then she can return it in her Mercedes."
The rich guy asks the poor guy, "What'd you get for your wife?"
The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"
The poor guy says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go f*** herself."
When the husband said "Is your ass so big?" she said "Because I am holding my shit."
What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
I was looking at our Human Services Minister and thinking I'm surprised he's married.
The things you do for your cousins!
Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
By the time I ran my wife over with my car, I had to stop for gas twice.
What do bees do when they get married?
They go on a honeymoon.
How does the cop respond to being called racist?
He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."
My buddy and I both wanted to marry a woman who happened to be an amputee.
Sadly, my buddy won her heart, but I got her leg.