My Wife: how much do you live me?? Me:count all the stars.My Wife: aww infinity. Me:No a waste of time.
What’s the difference between Geico and a wife? Geico saves you more.
What’s the difference between a job and a wife
The job keeps sucking after 5 years
I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride she says BOO! What kind of a dick fuck does that!
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?
Husband: Honey, Do you want sex? Whife: No thanks i have a headache. Husband: Is that your final answer? Whife: Mmmmm. Husband: Are you shure? -Whife Yes Husband: No doubts? Whife: No Husband starring a long time at his whife. Husband: Okey, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend. -
Husband: Dammit alice! I'm your husband and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you! Wife: Go to hell Bob! I'm Leaving! Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Wanna hear a joke about Donald Trump? Ok, Melania totally married him for his good looks, believe me!
A man marries a blonde chick, live a happy life together and the man asks his wife if she wants kids she says "yes". So, a couple years go by, they have one boy and one girl. They go to school, go home with their report cards and the dad asks what their grades were. The son says he's not doing well, same with the daughter. They ask why they're doing so bad in school, and the dad replies with "ask your mother that question"
i once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "theyre all dead hookers ince theyre in the trunk."
I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff
Why did Steven hawking die?
His wife changed the WiFi password
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse but I beat her to it
How do you stop a rape victim from speaking out?
Marry her
I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride she says BOO! What kind of sick fuck does that?
Why do melons always have big weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!/
1st daughter: Dad I;m lesbian! Dad: oh OK! 2nd daughter: I'm also lesbian Dad: WTF does any 1 in this family love d!cks?!? Son: I do...
What did Yoda say to Luke during his wedding ceremony? May divorce be with you.
My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort"...
