Marriage jokes
Tiger Woods is a lion cheetah. He took a wife and seventeen mistresses because he just had to play all eighteen holes.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"
The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."
The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"
The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"
What’s something you can say about your clothes but not your partner?
It’s just a rental.
Dschoha's wife was accustomed to go out at night to meet her lover, which caused the neighbors to tease Dschoha. Thus, one night he stayed awake until she left, then locked the door and sat down just inside.
Upon returning, she found the door locked. She asked him to have mercy on her and to open the door, but he just scolded her.
Having given up hope for a good outcome, she said to him, "If you don't open the door for me, I'll jump into the well."
Then she picked up a large stone and threw it into the well. Filled with regret, he ran outside to see what had happened. His wife immediately slipped into the house and locked the door.
He made every effort to convince her to let him come inside, but she scolded him incessantly, saying, "This is what you get for staying out all night with your drunken friends!" And thus she succeeded in shaming him in the presence of all their neighbors.
Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"
Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"
Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."
Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"
Husband: "Gold, of course!"
Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
Louis Armstrong and Tork Poettschke go for a walk.
One says to the other, "My wife always says that icke is no worse than the other men."
"How many men does your wife have?"
If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.
When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Q: Why is marriage not a word?
It's a life sentence!
What's the difference between a grenade and your wife? There's none. Take out the ring and half of the house is gone.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."
The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.
What do you call a pig in a blanket?
My wife on a cold day.
What does a stuttering Santa call Mrs. Claus?
A hoe hoe hoe.
Why can't a homeless person be seen around your wife?
Because she'll ask for her cardboard box! Ahahah.
Kurt Cobain said he wished he was gay.
That's why he married Courtney Love.