Marriage jokes
My wife treats me like God!
She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.
What's the difference between Michael Joseph Jackson and Richard Pryor?
One was burned by Pepsi. The other burned by coke. Richard Pryor married and had kids, and Michael Joseph Jackson molested kids.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”
A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you..."
"Me and Explain Boat (RapBoat) are going to be married tomorrow," - Explain Bear.
Must be heartwrenching for a loyal husband to watch his wife dry shagging me on the living room carpet.
I mean, once she started, she couldn't get enough.
If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?
If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?
Why did Santa stop at three ho's?
Ms. Claus caught him.
My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.
What a weird way to start a conversation!
An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
What did Cinderella say to Prince Charming?
"Want to see if it fits?"
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.
A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, “I shaved down there; you know what that means.”
The husband responds, “Yeah, the drain is clogged.”
My wife said I have no sense of direction.
I said, "Where did that come from?"
What is the worst thing about dating a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice just right.
How does the cop respond to being called racist?
He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."