An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama? A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
My wife said I have no sense of direction I said, where did that come from?
What is the worst thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband‘s voice just right
How do the cop respond to being called racist He said how can I be racist my wife’s eyes black
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says you’re next When we attend aFuneral, I say you’re next
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"
A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
A guy told a beautiful girl "hey I want to make love to you if I throw 2000$ when you go to pick it up that's when I'll go is that okay?" She called her husband and he said "okay but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down" Four hours later she shows up to her house and tell her husband "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS"
My wife hates that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
My last best man's speech was like the marriage
Short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage
I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”
How is a marriage like a hurricane?
In the beginning there’s a lot of sucking and blowing but at the end you lose your house
Son asks dad “how much does marriage cost?”
Dad: “i don’t know son I’m still paying for it”
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
Marriage is really educational
When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video
i went to see my dentist and she warned me it was going to hurt. then she told me she was having an affair with my husband. good news though...the cleaning didnt hurt.
