Marriage jokes
Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"
Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"
Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."
Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"
Husband: "Gold, of course!"
Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
Louis Armstrong and Tork Poettschke go for a walk.
One says to the other, "My wife always says that icke is no worse than the other men."
"How many men does your wife have?"
If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.
When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Q: Why is marriage not a word?
It's a life sentence!
What's the difference between a grenade and your wife? There's none. Take out the ring and half of the house is gone.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."
The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.
What do you call a pig in a blanket?
My wife on a cold day.
What does a stuttering Santa call Mrs. Claus?
A hoe hoe hoe.
Why can't a homeless person be seen around your wife?
Because she'll ask for her cardboard box! Ahahah.
Kurt Cobain said he wished he was gay.
That's why he married Courtney Love.
What kind of bride does the pedo icon like? A "maik order" bride. Why? The male part.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his wife changed the WiFi password, because he was having an affair with his shoulder.
What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?
"Does this come with anything?"
My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"
The South Tower proposed to the North Tower, but he said no.