Marriage jokes
When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Q: Why is marriage not a word?
It's a life sentence!
What's the difference between a grenade and your wife? There's none. Take out the ring and half of the house is gone.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."
The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.
What do you call a pig in a blanket?
My wife on a cold day.
What does a stuttering Santa call Mrs. Claus?
A hoe hoe hoe.
Why can't a homeless person be seen around your wife?
Because she'll ask for her cardboard box! Ahahah.
Kurt Cobain said he wished he was gay.
That's why he married Courtney Love.
What kind of bride does the pedo icon like? A "maik order" bride. Why? The male part.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his wife changed the WiFi password, because he was having an affair with his shoulder.
What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?
"Does this come with anything?"
My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"
The South Tower proposed to the North Tower, but he said no.
My wife treats me like God!
She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”