I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.
Commitment Jokes
Person: Where do I commit suicide?
Dog: Roof.
Person: Good idea.
A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”
What do you say after committing incest?
No Chromo!
Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.
"When Republicans do politics, it's a crime. But when Democrats commit crimes, it's politics." ---Tyler Nixon
Are you suicide? Cause I'm tryna commit to you.
What does a relationship and suicide have in common?
I always fail on committing.
if you ask an artist how to commit suicide, they will say a very creative way
Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?
Half of the class: *raises hand*
Teacher: ...
The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*
If a person shoots a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful, or is it murder?
Why did the orphan commit mass murder?
To be on top of the wanted list.
What's the worst thing about committing suicide? You can only do it once.
What's the only regret you would have when you eventually kill yourself? It wasn't sooner.
Me telling my parents I'm depressed: my parents, "No, you're just a little stressed and want attention, am I right?" My depression worsening, me: "Yeah, you're totally right mom..." Me in my head making a plan to commit suicide.....
Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side.
Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.
Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.
Person 2: I know how to fix that!
... Next day person commits suicide...
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.
Up into the sky so very far, here comes Dr. Seuss! "ALLAHU AKBAR", at the ripe old age of 97, he committed 9/11.
A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.
"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.
"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head.
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.
"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."