Commitment jokes
Person: Where do I commit suicide?
Dog: Roof.
Person: Good idea.
I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.
A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”
What do you say after committing incest?
No Chromo!
"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"
My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.
I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.
Why should you fear white people in prison instead of the blacks?
Because you know that whites are in for actually committing something.
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Mary."
"Mary who?"
"Marry me!"
Whoever says a joke "is not a joke" should go commit bye die.
Which city holds the record for the most suicides committed from a gorilla jumping off a tall building?
It was called Fall-adelphia.
What’s something you can say about your clothes but not your partner?
It’s just a rental.
Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.
Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.
How do you get a trans woman to commit suicide?
Use he/him pronouns on him.
"When Republicans do politics, it's a crime. But when Democrats commit crimes, it's politics." ---Tyler Nixon
When a redhead commits a mass shooting, does the headline read, "Ginger snaps"?
At this point, I don't want a funeral when I commit. I just want a going away party so people have an excuse to celebrate.
Vegan Teacher the musical.
Miss Kadie - "Oh no, you poor dead animal!"
Mr. Beast- 🎶 "You're a dumb Communist, Miss Kadie" 🎶
Chandler-🎵 "Yup, you're one high fluting son of a gun" 🎵
Mr. Beast- 🎵 "I just gobbled up a quadruple patty from my restaurant" 🎵
Miss Kadie - 🎵 "Don't hurt animals kids, do you want to be a vegans 'R' us kid?" 🎵
Kids- 🎵 "We've had enough of your problems, Miss Kadie, you're such a commie!"
Miss Kadie - 🎵 "I just want to die because I'm so sad!"
- Miss Kadie jumps off Mr. Beast Burger and commits suicide.
What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.
(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)
Why do homeless people commit crimes?
They get a bed in jail.