Marriage jokes

How did "Bloody Mary" become a thing?

Because her husband beat her bloody when she didn't stay in the kitchen.

A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.

One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

My wife Jean is happy, 😊 pretty, 😍 and pregnant,🤰 boy, 👦 am I glad 😊 I bought her 👩 a new whirlpool washer and dryer.

Washer: $249.95 Dryer: $199.95

Before you leave that marriage, remember that one innocent 🐐 goat was killed for your traditional marriage. 😔

Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.

A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

I caught my wife cheating on me.

I beat my son and grounded him.

I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.

A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”

The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”

The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”

Wife: “I want another baby.”

Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one!”

You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.

Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.

But at least lemonade came out!

A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."

Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."

Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet!"

Why can orphans not get married?

They are dad can't walk them down the aisle!

You’re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.

What did the melon say to the avocado when he proposed?

Can't elope.

What do you call Holly and Elenji?

A couple.

Two TV antennas got married. The church ceremony was terrible, but the reception was fantastic!

Why can't antelopes get married?

Because they can't elope.