Marriage jokes
How does the cop respond to being called racist?
He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."
Louis Armstrong and Tork Poettschke go for a walk.
One says to the other, "My wife always says that icke is no worse than the other men."
"How many men does your wife have?"
Tiger Woods is a lion cheetah. He took a wife and seventeen mistresses because he just had to play all eighteen holes.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his wife changed the WiFi password, because he was having an affair with his shoulder.
Kurt Cobain said he wished he was gay.
That's why he married Courtney Love.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.
How did "Bloody Mary" become a thing?
Because her husband beat her bloody when she didn't stay in the kitchen.
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, "That's the fourth time you've gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn't it embarrass you?"
"Why should it?" answered her spouse. "I keep telling them it's for you."
You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.
Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.
But at least lemonade came out!
My wife Jean is happy, 😊 pretty, 😍 and pregnant,🤰 boy, 👦 am I glad 😊 I bought her 👩 a new whirlpool washer and dryer.
Washer: $249.95 Dryer: $199.95
Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.
Before you leave that marriage, remember that one innocent 🐐 goat was killed for your traditional marriage. 😔
Two TV antennas got married. The church ceremony was terrible, but the reception was fantastic!
A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."
Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."
Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."
A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."
A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”
The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”
The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”
Wife: “I want another baby.”
Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one!”
Why can orphans not get married?
They are dad can't walk them down the aisle!