Lifestyle jokes
What is the difference between cremation and smoking?
While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.
Is it okay to say "nice to meat you" to a vegan?
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
How do you know a gay guy has been in your house?
There are speedos in the microwave.
How do you get a hippie chick pregnant?
You cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
I want diabetes so I can drink loads of Coke. - Louie Fennell 2018
If girls are vegan, why do they suck dick?
I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigarettes at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)
Yo mama's so fat, her pad is a king-size mattress.
The cannibal says to the other cannibal, "I like it when humans fall from the sky because then they are meateor."
Emos are so predictable: sleep, eat, cut, repeat.
I don't blame Amber Heard for wanting Elon Musk, especially if Johnny Depp is hairy and smells like a port-o-potty full of cigarettes and gunsmoke.
Man, we all have the one cool sibling, then the strong sibling, and then you, the one who plays on their iPad or computer all day. Then, when you are on vacation, you are doing nothing at all.
Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.
Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.
Smoking will kill you.
Bacon will kill you.
But, smoking bacon will cure it!
What's the difference between Elton John and rapboat?
Elton is talented, rich, and openly gay. Rapboat got fuck all talent, no money, and is not out of the closet yet.
What's an emo's favorite part about being dunked?
The hangover.
Someone walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, what’s the difference between potentiality and reality?" Soo ok, the dad says to the son, "Go ask your mother, sister, and your brother if they’d sleep with the postman for $1,000,000." So the son comes back 5 minutes later and said, "Dad, they all said they would sleep with the postman." So, son, potentially, we have a million dollars, but in reality, we have two sluts and a gay one."
What do you call a flat emo?
A cutting board.