Lifestyle jokes

I want diabetes so I can drink loads of Coke. - Louie Fennell 2018

What's the difference between Elton John and rapboat?

Elton is talented, rich, and openly gay. Rapboat got fuck all talent, no money, and is not out of the closet yet.

What's an emo's favorite part about being dunked?

The hangover.

Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you.

But, smoking bacon will cure it!

Man, we all have the one cool sibling, then the strong sibling, and then you, the one who plays on their iPad or computer all day. Then, when you are on vacation, you are doing nothing at all.

Yo mama's so fat, her pad is a king-size mattress.

The cannibal says to the other cannibal, "I like it when humans fall from the sky because then they are meateor."

I don't blame Amber Heard for wanting Elon Musk, especially if Johnny Depp is hairy and smells like a port-o-potty full of cigarettes and gunsmoke.

If girls are vegan, why do they suck dick?

Emos are so predictable: sleep, eat, cut, repeat.

Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.

Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.

Someone walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, what’s the difference between potentiality and reality?" Soo ok, the dad says to the son, "Go ask your mother, sister, and your brother if they’d sleep with the postman for $1,000,000." So the son comes back 5 minutes later and said, "Dad, they all said they would sleep with the postman." So, son, potentially, we have a million dollars, but in reality, we have two sluts and a gay one."

What do you call a flat emo?

A cutting board.

I wish my grass was emo, so it would cut itself.

Yo mama so fat, she needs 500,000 calories a day to keep her fueled.

Even though you are a meateater, you can still totally be a vegetarian.

How many emos does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they just sit and cry in the dark.

What would you rather be, emo or handicapped?

Trick question, emo is a handicap.

Why do emo kids drink only herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.