Lifestyle jokes

How do you get a hippie chick pregnant?

You cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.

I want diabetes so I can drink loads of Coke. - Louie Fennell 2018

Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.

I don't blame Amber Heard for wanting Elon Musk, especially if Johnny Depp is hairy and smells like a port-o-potty full of cigarettes and gunsmoke.

Emos are so predictable: sleep, eat, cut, repeat.

Man, we all have the one cool sibling, then the strong sibling, and then you, the one who plays on their iPad or computer all day. Then, when you are on vacation, you are doing nothing at all.

Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you.

But, smoking bacon will cure it!

If girls are vegan, why do they suck dick?

The cannibal says to the other cannibal, "I like it when humans fall from the sky because then they are meateor."

Yo mama's so fat, her pad is a king-size mattress.

I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigarettes at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)

Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.

What's the difference between Elton John and rapboat?

Elton is talented, rich, and openly gay. Rapboat got fuck all talent, no money, and is not out of the closet yet.

What's an emo's favorite part about being dunked?

The hangover.

Someone walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, what’s the difference between potentiality and reality?" Soo ok, the dad says to the son, "Go ask your mother, sister, and your brother if they’d sleep with the postman for $1,000,000." So the son comes back 5 minutes later and said, "Dad, they all said they would sleep with the postman." So, son, potentially, we have a million dollars, but in reality, we have two sluts and a gay one."

What do you call a flat emo?

A cutting board.

I wish my grass was emo, so it would cut itself.

How many innocent succulents have been brutally killed by people trying to cure their depression?

Can emo kids get a happy birthday?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some chips and sweets.

No, he can't keep his heart rate down, and she's got diabetes.