Lifestyle jokes

Why do people eat cereal for breakfast?

Because why not.

When you're so rich that you can buy anything, you end up getting a cow in your living room. Yeah, anyways, my ex is still in my living room.

I have a choking kink, so I will enjoy hanging.

Zozo the hobo is single like a Pringle.

Single like a Pringle, and he loves Pringle's, get it?

How are gay people like mice?

They both hate pussies.

What kind of cigarettes does a hippie smoke?

Yours.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.

So I don’t get pepper sprayed.

What's a cannibal's favorite place?

A day care.

What's the similarity between dogs and poor people?

They both eat from trash.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.

What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?

They don’t cook because they love eating out.

Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:

11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.

I don't see why people say emo kids never hangout.

With numerous reports of Donald Trump's odor and Kelly Clarkson's lack of hygienic habits... proof that money doesn't buy cleanliness.

Yo momma so fat, her four kids use her as a bed and her fat rolls as cozy blankets.

I'm not fat!!

I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.

Women are like rolls of toilet paper. They are either really cheap or expensive, you use them a lot, and they deal with a lot of sh*t.

What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?

"May I push your stool in?"