Lifestyle jokes

Why do vegans use blowjobs?

Because they can’t take real meat.

You're so poor, you use the same toilet paper every time you take a poop!

I took my brother's vape, and now he is on the ground gasping for air. He acts like he is dying.

Why was the emo mad?

The picture got hung, not her.

Imagine going up to an emo and saying, "You're just like a spider, you're both good at hanging."

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?

The emo girl still bleeds.

Your mom is so fat, she wakes up on both sides of the bed.

Amanda Bynes is a lush blond who has quickly become a blond lush.

What kind of milk does a new age calf drink?

Dairy free.

What is a gay man's favorite hobby?

Cockfighting.

Why is the day you do laundry, cook, clean, iron, and so on called a day off?

We were so poor that every time I passed by a butcher shop, I thought there had been a horrible accident.

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: .....it...

Friend: No

Me: *smiles* GETS BEAT BY THE MISTRESS AND GETS SCOLDED BY THE MASTER!!!

Friend: Why are you like this?

If two stoners get married, do they have joint assets?

Is it okay to say "nice to meat you" to a vegan?

What is the difference between cremation and smoking?

While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.

My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!

How do you know a gay guy has been in your house?

There are speedos in the microwave.