Lifestyle jokes

Your mom is so fat, she wakes up on both sides of the bed.

Amanda Bynes is a lush blond who has quickly become a blond lush.

What kind of milk does a new age calf drink?

Dairy free.

What is a gay man's favorite hobby?

Cockfighting.

We were so poor that every time I passed by a butcher shop, I thought there had been a horrible accident.

Why is the day you do laundry, cook, clean, iron, and so on called a day off?

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

If two stoners get married, do they have joint assets?

What is the difference between cremation and smoking?

While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.

Is it okay to say "nice to meat you" to a vegan?

My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!

How do you know a gay guy has been in your house?

There are speedos in the microwave.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: .....it...

Friend: No

Me: *smiles* GETS BEAT BY THE MISTRESS AND GETS SCOLDED BY THE MASTER!!!

Friend: Why are you like this?

How do you get a hippie chick pregnant?

You cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.

I want diabetes so I can drink loads of Coke. - Louie Fennell 2018

Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you.

But, smoking bacon will cure it!

Emos are so predictable: sleep, eat, cut, repeat.

I don't blame Amber Heard for wanting Elon Musk, especially if Johnny Depp is hairy and smells like a port-o-potty full of cigarettes and gunsmoke.