An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ̈You look like a million pounds! ̈ The wife divorced him.
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.
Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone
Location is in London by the way. One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money. His friend, "Oh for once you lost some pounds!"
What does a pedophile mostly pound on a piano?
A minor
How much do 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton.
Would love to pound Sterling with a 14lb hammer.
A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there" the boy replied. The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked "do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" the boy replied " "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing" said the pharmacist. That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. the girls father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "you never told me that you were so religious" the boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist"
So I was on a discord call the other day and one of my friends American buddies joined and we had a conversation.
Until they say: when did pounds change to quid.
And I said: 'they're the exact same thing.'
Then they said:
"but when did it happen?"
So I said:
"when did school change to shooting range?"
What is the difference between a dog pound and an orphanage? In a dog pound, people actually want them.
Beneath this monumental stone Lise 80 pounds of skin and bone
My son said that bully needs a pounding then i say Yeah right that is what i said and did to your mother.My son opens his mouth and freezes i guess he knew what i was talking about.
Me : Hey, say I am ugly for a billion pounds - Them : Your ugly - Me : Sorry I am not a mirror.
Your mother is so fast she got arrested for carrying 10 pounds of crack
A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?" "Six pounds." "And shaving?" "Three pounds." "Good, then shave my head."
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
120 pounds
Yo mama was so fat that when she stepped on the scale the scale said: You gained another pound, nice going fatso, a few more ounces and you can qualify for your own zip code.
If I had a genie grant me wishes, I wouldn't wish for a million pounds. I'd just wish that every time I buy something I just have the right amount of money in my pocket at the time
When your mum sold you on eBay of £2 pound for girls stripper
