Pound jokes
"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"
Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.
I just reached 10 million pounds in Euro Truck Simulator, but it's not even close to what Rakhmat Akilov achieved.
I have 2000 pounds of one-ton soup.
A girl did squats everyday with a 20 pound weight in her hand to finally text her boyfriend, "Show me your dick now!"
Sally had 9 pounds of boobs (9), which was 2 2 many (922), so on the 9th of the month (9229) at 6pm (92296) on 68 street (922968), she went to doctor x to get 6 operations (922968x6) and left her (flip your calculator) boobless.
I like my women thick, so if they aren't over 375 pounds, they're not stepping into my room.
Tonight, I picked up an anorexic prostitute.
It was really easy because she was only about 90 pounds.
What is the difference between a dog pound and an orphanage?
In a dog pound, people actually want them.
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.
Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.
Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.
Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.
Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.
Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.
Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.
Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.
I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.
Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.
Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.
Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.
Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.
Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.
Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.
Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.
Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.
Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.
I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.
Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.
Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.
Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
Would love to pound Sterling with a 14 lb hammer.
How much do 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton.
Your mother is so fast, she got arrested for carrying 10 pounds of crack.
Gwen: Addison, I don't mean to be mean but you're really starting to be an asshole!
Addison: I don't know what you mean. I've always been an asshole. That is why people pound me in the asshole!
Kariah: That's sad!
Yo mama so hairy that she got a haircut and lost 47 pounds.
Why is pounding your mom like playing video games?
Because once you start, you just can’t stop until you win!
Yo mama is so ugly, if she got a pound for every boy that found her unattractive, boys would find her attractive.
Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said, "Honey, I'm flat chested." The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex.
The next day, the wife said, "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said, "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."
Girlfriend: I just lost 5 pounds!
Me: How many makeup wipes did you need?
What does a pedophile mostly pound on a piano?
A minor.