Ives jokes

If you want any pictures of cheese for your laptop, I've got enough to Philadelphia.

I've patched 1,000 roofs, and they don't call you Boris the roof patcher. I've built 100,000 swords and shields, and they don't call you Boris the blacksmith, but you fuck one goat!

I’ve been told I’ve got a perfect cock. She sure was hard on me when I cut it off, though.

Yo mama so stupid, she shoved two AA batteries up her ass and started singing, "I’ve Got The Power!"

Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.

Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.

Tell all the skeleton jokes you want, but I've got thick skin.

"Ring Ring! Hi, I've been needing to call you. Your hairline has been found by Dora after 25 years!"

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

I've got a job defusing landmines.

It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.

Two friends fighting.

Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"

Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."

Did you just come from a bakery? Because you’ve got the hottest pair of buns I’ve seen all week.

I've been drinking from a tall cup.

His teeth look like Twin Towers, Al-Qaeda blown him up.

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

Some guy interviewed me and asked how it felt to kill thousands of people. I replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only killed communists.”

I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

Yo what quacking lacking? Looking for a ducking good time? I've got some one lines and knee slappers that ought to fix the bill. What happens flied upside down? It quacks up.

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."

Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."

Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."