Ives jokes

I’ve been told I’ve got a perfect cock. She sure was hard on me when I cut it off, though.

Roses are red, my blood is too, And I've been seeing it a lot more, since I've lost you.

I've patched 1,000 roofs, and they don't call you Boris the roof patcher. I've built 100,000 swords and shields, and they don't call you Boris the blacksmith, but you fuck one goat!

Yo mama so stupid, she shoved two AA batteries up her ass and started singing, "I’ve Got The Power!"

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.

"Ring Ring! Hi, I've been needing to call you. Your hairline has been found by Dora after 25 years!"

I've got a job defusing landmines.

It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.

Did you just come from a bakery? Because you’ve got the hottest pair of buns I’ve seen all week.

I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

Yo what quacking lacking? Looking for a ducking good time? I've got some one lines and knee slappers that ought to fix the bill. What happens flied upside down? It quacks up.

Some guy interviewed me and asked how it felt to kill thousands of people. I replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only killed communists.”

Tell all the skeleton jokes you want, but I've got thick skin.

I know I've changed my name from tj to selfish king but know it's gunna be selfishking#781.

I've got an impressive record at Russian roulette. Retired after one loss ever.

Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.

Two friends fighting.

Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"

Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."