Ives jokes

I've patched 1,000 roofs, and they don't call you Boris the roof patcher. I've built 100,000 swords and shields, and they don't call you Boris the blacksmith, but you fuck one goat!

I’ve been told I’ve got a perfect cock. She sure was hard on me when I cut it off, though.

Yo mama so stupid, she shoved two AA batteries up her ass and started singing, "I’ve Got The Power!"

I know I've changed my name from tj to selfish king but know it's gunna be selfishking#781.

I've been drinking from a tall cup.

His teeth look like Twin Towers, Al-Qaeda blown him up.

Did you just come from a bakery? Because you’ve got the hottest pair of buns I’ve seen all week.

Two friends fighting.

Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"

Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."

"Ring Ring! Hi, I've been needing to call you. Your hairline has been found by Dora after 25 years!"

Some guy interviewed me and asked how it felt to kill thousands of people. I replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only killed communists.”

I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

Yo what quacking lacking? Looking for a ducking good time? I've got some one lines and knee slappers that ought to fix the bill. What happens flied upside down? It quacks up.

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."

Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."

Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."

I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...

Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...

I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...

When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.

I've got an impressive record at Russian roulette. Retired after one loss ever.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!