INS jokes
Hey Gwen... I had a friend named Gwen in preschool.
The preschool was Cascade Christian and in Washington (which is close to Oregon. I read in a chat that you live there.) This is a long shot, but I think you might be the same Gwen. If not, ok.
Penalties. Tap ins. Ghosting. Diving.
Long ago, the four lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Germans attacked. Only Penaldo, master of all four elements, could stop them, but when his country needed him most, he vanished.
My son and I went on a tour to the Old Trafford Stadium. We were admiring the 76,000 seat arena when he suddenly pointed at the pitch.
“Dad, who is that man camping there?” I said, “Son, that is Bruno Penandes. He lives in that Penalty box. He only performs in small games.”
Your forehead is so big it can't even fit in the garage!
Why is "T" well-respected, but more in its lowercase form?
It crossed the line with Jesus.
Why does a cheetah always lose on a test? Because he is a cheater!
My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"
Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!
I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.
What has two legs, two arms, one dead and covered in red?
My ex-wife.
Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.
When your cousin who has a lisp died from the impostor in Among Us,
"THE IMPASTA KILLED MEH!"
Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
He was looking for "poo."
Why can't pirates play cards in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
Why did the serial killer let the guy in a wheelchair go? Because the guy didn’t really have any body for the serial killer to stab.
This is why they don't want to sell the Double Manhattan in pubs anymore.
What is white, blue eyed, blonde haired and somehow was made in Galilee during the Roman occupation?
An Italian Renaissance painting that was carbon dated.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!
Flat girls be like, "I will have breasts in the future." This is to all the flat girls: you will never get it.
What does a middle aged man live in?
A retarded kid he keeps in the van.
I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, and they asked if I could pilot a plane.