Im jokes

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

I'm always willing to go down on a special needs girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.

Why don't humans eat raw meat? Because they use technology to cry about raw meat is good. Go and leave, bro, I'm going to eat sushi.

Is it far enough? We publish interviews with people who know a lot about real wars.

Peace: On one case, that's true, but violence is the slogan for it.

Socialism: Yes, morning and evening. So the Sorce Streftator's work must be stopped!

Maoist: Yes, I like Walken Engspert.

Anarchist: Claire, this is why we don't need democracy, I'm Das Zoe Melsen.

Capitalism: Yes, but the truth is that he is ignorant and cannot be considered as an old leader, but as an employee.

Governor: Yes, but a strong left should be as strong as Minister Janomen Vardan or Director Januso Gavrelic.

Patriots: Are there simple megalithic laws?

Why can’t orphans say "I’m in the ghetto?" Because they can’t say "I’m in a home."

Poor Stephen Hawking couldn't pass the "I'm not a robot" test.

Hi Stephen. Are you a vegetarian?

Well, you are partly right—I'm a vegetable.

I rate you 9 out of 10, because I'm the 1 you need.

Roses are red, violets are blue, my heart is dead, I'm such a fool. -Juice Wrld

Freddy: I'm coming for you >:)

Me: God, no, help!

*game notification pops up with very loud sound*

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.

Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.

Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.

Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?

Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?

My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97.

I'm such a perfectionist that I can't even fail an autism test.

Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.

When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."

When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."

Hey freshfry, are you on? Because I'm ready to play on the Xbox.

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I'm famous!

Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

Orphan: Help, I'm lost.

Someone: Wears your parents.

Orphan: >:(

I'm always hanging in there.

Hanging on the wall.