Im jokes

Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?

Doctor: The morgue.

Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!

Doctor: And we're not there yet!

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing, except at a funeral.

Son: Dad, I'm gay.

Dad: I support you.

Son: I like you.

Dad: Get out and into my room!

Guys, can we change pride month to another month, please? My birthday is in June, and I'm not gay, and my friends keep making fun of me. I think we should change it to March because my brother's birthday is in March, and that'd be funny.

If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

I'm hungry.

What did the math acorn say when it grew up?

"Gee-I'm-a-tree."

I didn’t wanna tell you, but I had to write this song, cause I’m in your house every night doin' your mom.

I'm doing something Stephen Hawking can't do... pressing "I'm not a robot."

I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!

Life is a bitch, and people make it worse.

This thing that I'm in ("am") is a forsaken curse (beta).

Dad: I’m taking your toys to the orphanage.

Child: But why?

Dad: Because you’re going to need them there.

I'm in a wheelchair, right, so I've tried everything but one stand up.

It didn't work.

"You look like Barney, I'm choking you too, and your face is turning all purple and blue!"

Friend: How's it going?

Me: Good, things are good!

Parent: How are you?

Me: Oh, I'm fine!

Twitter: Compose new tweet?

Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.

I hate when people make 9/11 jokes, I'm just blown away.

You are shore to find loads of jokes funny even if I can’t kelp you find the right ones.

Loads of jokes are funny as I’m shore you shall sea.

I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"

I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"

Ya make 10 paintings, you aren't an artist.

Ya make 20 meals, you aren't a chef.

But when I kill ONE PERSON, I'm a "horrible person" and a "menace to society."