Im jokes

People think I'm racist but I'm really not.

I hate everyone equally.

Child: Dad, I want you to say "I'm a Man" after everything I say!

Dad: Uh, okay?

Child: My wife cheated on me.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: So I went to the bar.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: I met a hot girl.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: So I brought her home.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: After sleeping together, she woke up, faced me and said...

Dad: I'm a man.

I talk with a friend about something and there comes Quandangle, things with his shoes, and I'm just like, "Bro, what the heeeeel?"

When there's a news story of people who have died en masse, for example from explosions and fires.

Other people are all "oh no that's terrible!"

Pfft shut up, lying asshole. Trying to be "nice".

I'm like "YAY EXCITING. I don't like being bored hearing 'good news' all of the time."

Pretend you're an orphan and I'm telling you a joke:

Your mom.

The plane crashed. There are 5 seats in Bordeaux and usually 4 parachute seats.

The first song goes: "I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best player in the world, so fly with the first helmet."

One of Ivanka Trump's former supporters said: "I was the US President's teacher." And take an umbrella and fly.

Former US Secretary of State Donald Trump said: "I am the President of the United States. I am the president of the United States of America, not responsible to the people. Design our package and jump."

"I'm glad," said the next passenger, Popstag, as he approached. Then the boy explained: "I still can't see anyone's problem. The President of the United States is in my bag..."

Everyone is so sensitive about racial issues these days.

All I did was burn a couple crosses and I'm up on federal hate crime charges.

Retard. Retard. Retarded. Abortion. Cross burning.

Look at me, I'm funny and edgy.

I'm ashamed of some of the jokes I told that mocked disabled people.

So I threw in a couple racist ones to even it out.

My friends think I'm bipolar. I threw a pencil case at someone and I walked out, walked back in 2 seconds later and I was sunshines and rainbows.

Kid: "Grandma, what's dark humour?"

Grandma: "See that man in the wheelchair over there?"

Kid: "But Grandma! I'm blind!"

Grandma: "Exactly."

Why is it that when in PE, it's fine for someone to say "boys against girls", but in public when I say "blacks against whites" or "boys against girls" I'm the bad guy?

Hi Stephen. Are you a vegetarian?

Well, you are partly right—I'm a vegetable.

Is it far enough? We publish interviews with people who know a lot about real wars.

Peace: On one case, that's true, but violence is the slogan for it.

Socialism: Yes, morning and evening. So the Sorce Streftator's work must be stopped!

Maoist: Yes, I like Walken Engspert.

Anarchist: Claire, this is why we don't need democracy, I'm Das Zoe Melsen.

Capitalism: Yes, but the truth is that he is ignorant and cannot be considered as an old leader, but as an employee.

Governor: Yes, but a strong left should be as strong as Minister Janomen Vardan or Director Januso Gavrelic.

Patriots: Are there simple megalithic laws?

So I was sitting on my couch, watching this homophobic TV show all about "straight and great". But then I remember, "Aren't I part of the LGBTQ?"

So I say, "Oh my God, let's throw it out the window because that would be a good idea!" But then it gets run over by 123,456,789 cars. It gave me a $150,000 fine. Guess I'm broke.

I saw a Down syndrome kid waving at me today, but there's no way I'm swimming all the way over there to save him.

"Eugheugh," said the boy.

Teacher: What is your name? Me: Written in the stars.

Teacher: Where? Me: A million miles away.

Teacher: What are you talking about? Me: A message to the main.

Teacher: You must change your behavior! Me: Seasons come and go, but I will never change.

Teacher: Go to the school principal NOW! Me: And I'm on my way.

I'm racist.

I don't like green cars.

So there were these two wind turbines standing in a field, and one of them asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other thinks for a moment and says, "I'm a big metal fan."

If I ever have a YouTube channel, I'm pretty sure it would be called "101 Things NOT To Do With Electrical Sockets."