Im jokes

My friends think I'm bipolar. I threw a pencil case at someone and I walked out, walked back in 2 seconds later and I was sunshines and rainbows.

Kid: "Grandma, what's dark humour?"

Grandma: "See that man in the wheelchair over there?"

Kid: "But Grandma! I'm blind!"

Grandma: "Exactly."

Why is it that when in PE, it's fine for someone to say "boys against girls", but in public when I say "blacks against whites" or "boys against girls" I'm the bad guy?

Hi Stephen. Are you a vegetarian?

Well, you are partly right—I'm a vegetable.

Is it far enough? We publish interviews with people who know a lot about real wars.

Peace: On one case, that's true, but violence is the slogan for it.

Socialism: Yes, morning and evening. So the Sorce Streftator's work must be stopped!

Maoist: Yes, I like Walken Engspert.

Anarchist: Claire, this is why we don't need democracy, I'm Das Zoe Melsen.

Capitalism: Yes, but the truth is that he is ignorant and cannot be considered as an old leader, but as an employee.

Governor: Yes, but a strong left should be as strong as Minister Janomen Vardan or Director Januso Gavrelic.

Patriots: Are there simple megalithic laws?

So I was sitting on my couch, watching this homophobic TV show all about "straight and great". But then I remember, "Aren't I part of the LGBTQ?"

So I say, "Oh my God, let's throw it out the window because that would be a good idea!" But then it gets run over by 123,456,789 cars. It gave me a $150,000 fine. Guess I'm broke.

I saw a Down syndrome kid waving at me today, but there's no way I'm swimming all the way over there to save him.

"Eugheugh," said the boy.

Teacher: What is your name? Me: Written in the stars.

Teacher: Where? Me: A million miles away.

Teacher: What are you talking about? Me: A message to the main.

Teacher: You must change your behavior! Me: Seasons come and go, but I will never change.

Teacher: Go to the school principal NOW! Me: And I'm on my way.

I'm racist.

I don't like green cars.

So there were these two wind turbines standing in a field, and one of them asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other thinks for a moment and says, "I'm a big metal fan."

If I ever have a YouTube channel, I'm pretty sure it would be called "101 Things NOT To Do With Electrical Sockets."

What can you say in bed and in piano class? Im fingering A Minor

I'm gonna make a documentary about meth-addicted prostitutes.

I think I'll call it "Whores on Ice."

So the other day I saw a homeless man. He tried to mug me. I let him.

I had nothing on me either. (I'm on the next block over.)

What’s a necrophiliac’s safe word? I’m alive.

I'm not sure if you have any feelings because everything about you seems very dull.

I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.

I'm the autism.

I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.

Now I'm terrified of airports.

An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"

The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."

The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"

The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"