Im jokes

"You look like Barney, I'm choking you too, and your face is turning all purple and blue!"

Please help me... I’m being held captive by Carl Wheezer.

So I made a parody for "Me, Myself, and I." It goes like this: "Me, Myself, and I, I'm gonna drink bleach until I die!"

Son: Hi Dad, I'm Son.

Dad: Hi Son, I'm Leaving You.

Years later:

Dad still did not come back.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get to Heaven.

God had not built a ramp yet... or an escalator.

I didn’t wanna tell you, but I had to write this song, cause I’m in your house every night doin' your mom.

I'm doing something Stephen Hawking can't do... pressing "I'm not a robot."

I'm a bot, so coolllll!

You know what's crazy? Is that the low taper fade, like, meme, is still MASSIVE. Still MASSIVE. Like, I'm still seeing like, new ones, that I've never seen before, and they're getting millions of likes and millions of views.

After 6 months of lockdown,

I was thinking a bit about Bin Laden. He stayed at home with 3 wives for 5 years. I'm beginning to suspect he called the Navy Seals himself.

"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date.

"That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he says.

There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

Roses are red, violets are bl-- oh yeah, I'm bad at jokes.

An old man and a child are walking into the woods. Suddenly, they stop.

"Mister," the child says, "I'm scared, these woods are dark and creepy..."

The old man says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

I’m in a wheelchair and I can do stand-up comedy, oh wait...

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.