im not suicidal im just speedrunning life
you know what really gets me under my skin when im down? sharpener blades
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
I know Im valuable, I come with a barcode ;)
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
Like if you think I'm stupid.
Daughter: Dad
Dad: Yes honey
Daughter: Im Lesbian
Dad: Ok
Daughter 2: Dad
Dad: Yes?
Daughter 2: Im lesbian too
Dad: GOD does anyone like boys around here
Son: I do...
best friend makes 9/11 joke
you: hey my dad was inside the tower
best friend: im sorry
you: I always knew he was a great pilot
Im doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled. Its called spastics on elastics
Teacher: Ok class I'm going to ask a question about your family. Alex: Miss my Dad died In 9/11 Teacher: OH NO IM SO SORRY! Alex: Don't worry miss It was only Dad and besides he did what he wanted before he died. Teacher: What was that? Alex: Flew the plane.
Man: whats up? Me: im annoyed Man: Why? Me: I stole my gf's heart Man: So why are you annoyed? Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks
My arm: IM GETTING RIPPED TONIGHT
Me telling my parents im depressed: my parents, " no, ur just a little stressed and want attention, am i right?" My depression worsoning, me: " ya ur totally right mom..." Me in my head making a plan to commit suicide.....
Person 1: you are the dumbest person in the class. Person 2: well ur the second. Person 2: maybe but at least im not the dummest. Person 2: i know how to fix that! ... Next day person commits sucide...
what do you call a train with buble gum?
a chew chew train
oh man im depressed
Look, im innocent. I was just going on vacation in NY. But my co-polit said: hit it with ur best shot.
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work. Paddy agrees to tell Seamus` wife the bad news. He knocks on the door and Seamus` wife answers. " Whats happened Paddy?" Paddy frowns. " Im sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, im so sorry." She started to cry and asked paddy: " Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, " No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
People judge me because im quiet
no one plans a massacre out loud
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read "Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now" The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying "Sorry meant using your wifi"
what did one ocean say to the other ocean? nothing, they just WAVED. can you SEA what i did there? im SHORE you did. Why are you so SALTY? dont be a BEACH.
