Im jokes

I'm not suicidal, I'm just speedrunning life.

Are you suicide? Cause I'm tryna commit to you.

"I'm thinking about killing off the main character in this book I'm writing."

"What type of book is it?"

"An autobiography."

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

Roses are red, violets are blue. If you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.

When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."

I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.

I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.

Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "No, you're not."

If you were a food, what would you be?

Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."

Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."

Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"

Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

I know I'm valuable, I come with a barcode ;)

Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?

Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?

Me: It's an autobiography.