Humor

Why do cemeteries have fences?

Because people are dying to be there.

Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.

The brain named itself, and when the brain realized that it named itself, it was surprised.

But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!

I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"

A Russian walked into a bar... Unlucky for him I guess, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

I hate it when you say your life is a joke because a joke actually has meaning.

What happens when you have dry elbows at work?

You don't have any elbow grease to put into it.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

Ever had that feeling that suicidal people are a big contributor to the razor blade industry?

Well, they aren't.

Why?

They aren't repeated customers.

Well, I saw a stripper, and she was trying out bread.

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

How do cats relieve themselves in front of people? By licking their puss.

Why was the Mexican scared of cold water?

It might turn into ICE.

Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."

It's always the little things that make us laugh.

There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”

At what point does a joke become a dad joke?

When it disappears and never returns home.

What did the Japanese man say to his friend after he killed somebody?

"That is very Wong."

Son: Dad, where are you?

Dad: Getting another one.

Son: Getting what?

Dad: Dad.