Humor

Memories: I have ligma.

Ligma what?

Ligma balls.

My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."

If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?

What should I sell my dragon for?

Dragon these balls across yo face!

What do you call a Gary Dinosaur?

A mega-sore-ass.

It puts a whole new spin on meals on wheels. No pun intended.

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

Why couldn't the orphan have the bag of chips?

It was family size.

Why does new pavement smell like butt?

In other words you can also call it asphalt.

Ass-phalt.

What do you call a nervous zucchini?

An edgy veggie.

In this modern age, I feel as though it's inappropriate to make jokes about herbs and fish.

It's not the thyme or the plaice for it.

I was at a concert in the front row, and I shouted something to the band's guitarist. He took it the wrong way and responded: "I'm going to go down there and hit you with my guitar!"

And I replied: "Is that a death fret?"

Doin (DYM 35).

Don't ever say your life is a joke because jokes are actually funny.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish?

A crab apple!

None of these jokes are close to funny! Btw, who the hell is Gwen?

I would say a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't land well.

A girl with no arms and one leg goes to her mother and asks: "Mom, next year for the carnival, can I dress up as a princess?"

The mother replies: "Why? Didn't you like the ice lolly dress from last year?"

"Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake."

A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.