Humor
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Me: I need a good roast.
My friend: Take me!
Fineman, Einstein, and Schrodinger walked into a bar.
Fineman says, "It appears we're inside a joke."
Einstein says, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously."
To which Schrodinger says, "If someone's looking through the window, I'm leaving!"
I don't need a girlfriend, 'cause I got my cousin, bro.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What's the slowest train in the world? A slow coach!
Why did Jeffrey get blood on his shoe?
Because this teen just started her period!
My mom once ate a full giant cheesecake, and we were walking to our flight back home, and she had to sh*t.
We were walking to the bathroom, and she full on [did it] in front of the carousel. She had a lump of poo in her pants... True story, haha!
"Left, center, right, and apolitical, also skeptical, are also a joke."
Name what guns are used for. {wrong answers only?}
Why do orphans become criminals?
To know what it’s like to be wanted.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are probably built upside down.
Doctor: You should stop masturbating.
Me: Doc, I'm almost done.
Why is it easy to weigh fish?
Because they have their own scales! 😂😂😂😂😂😂
What do you call a blind kid with an eye patch and no arms?
Names.
Why do people enjoy orphan jokes! Lol... I LOVE IT >:)
What do Shrek and onions have in common?
*LAYERS*
Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."
*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Can I ask you a question? Nut now!