Humor

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

What happens when you have dry elbows at work?

You don't have any elbow grease to put into it.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”

At what point does a joke become a dad joke?

When it disappears and never returns home.

Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”

No? Shame, it was real fun.

What did the Japanese man say to his friend after he killed somebody?

"That is very Wong."

What does a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

Wet noses.

What’s the only plus for someone who burns to death?

They get a discount at the crematorium.

It's always the little things that make us laugh.

Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.

Son: Dad, where are you?

Dad: Getting another one.

Son: Getting what?

Dad: Dad.

Why was the Mexican scared of cold water?

It might turn into ICE.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

My girlfriend got COVID.

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

What do gingers miss most at a grate party?

The invitation.

What is Hitler's least favorite fish?

Jewfish.

What’s the difference between jelly and jam?

You can’t “jelly” it in her ass.

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"