Humor
Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.
Ask the emo kid: "Hey, how's it hanging?"
Why can't people understand these jokes?
(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?
When you're watching "Gnomeo and Juliet 2" and your dad walks in on the gnome shaking his butt.
Have you ever seen the Pokemon called Ryh... Rhydon these nuts?
How to harass? Say it out loud but slowly. Split that word into, and it sounds like "her ass."
What did the shirt say to the pants?
Belt.
What do you call a nerd in space?
A space nerd.
What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?
About 40 mph.
Why does a blind man still have eyes?
So he can see that he can't see.
What does a blind man crying and an unplugged TV have in common?
Nothing can be seen when they get turned on.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
A dragon.
A dragon who?
The dragon gonna drag its balls across your face.
A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
What do the Twin Towers and a bad joke have in common? They never land well.
Your mom's so fat, when she stands on the scale, it says, "To be continued..."
Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.
Mom: Witherspoon.
Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!
What's the smartest insect? A spelling bee!
What does a storm cloud wear under his raincoat? Thunderwear.
How did Capetian Hook kill himself? He wiped his butt with the wrong hand.