Humor
Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Their names were Johony and Papa.
All of the sudden, Johony passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies “My son just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
Why is there no phone in China?
Too many wings, too many wongs; might wing wrong number.
If Trump pooped in a toilet, the toilet would die.
How did people know the 9/11 victims had a lot of dandruff?
Their head and shoulders were all over New York City!
explain bear pull up I dare you >:(
There was a family, the father's name was Mad, the mother is Brain, the brother's name is Nobody and the sister's name is Everybody.
One day, Nobody killed Everybody, and the father ran to the police's office and screamed, "NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODY!!!!!"
"Sir, are you okay?" The police asked.
"I said, NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODYYYYY!!!!!" The father yelled even louder.
"Are you mad?" The police asked.
"Yes, because my name is Mad!" The father exclaimed.
"Where's your brain?" Asked the police.
"At home because my wife name is Brain," the father said. The police fell down due to the confusion.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing, then his friend calls and he is groaning. He said he was having cramps, so the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, turn it up to 40%!" So he does, and his friend throws up, so he said, "Doc, turn it up to 100%!" and his friend dies.
Bean.
America: I'm going to build a wall.
Nazi: Been there.
Soviet Union: Done that.
Why are there so many jokes about Chuck Norris, but not about Bruce Lee?
Bruce Lee was no joking matter.
If you ever have a gay friend whose comatose, tell his family he/she was a fruit. Now he/she's a vegetable, at least they're still in the produce section.
Sharb Glarv Jug jug Milky Jar jar Pobbies Mm yum yum Rawr Big pooboes.
I met a really greedy oyster. It was quite shellfish.
"Are you taco to me? I nacho friend."
I get knocked down, but I get up again, as long as I have 46 chromosomes.
What do you call the bear that pushes all the other bears into the pool?
The dry bear.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words:
Alahu-Akbar.
What do you call a person whose Lymphoma keeps recurring?
A Lymphomaniac.
"Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner, chocolate's made." (Point to your boobs, vagina/crouch area, and then to your butt area in sync with words.)
How do you spell "cognitive mess?"
J.O.E. B.I.D.E.N.