Humor

A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and sees a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running, building momentum before launching himself at the nun, catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head, knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement.

He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nun's ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habit and lifting her limp to her feet till face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace, the drunk victoriously growled, "You're not so bloody tough tonight, are ya, Batman?"

There are 4 people on an airplane, and the pilot has a heart attack and dies. The plane is going down, and there are also only 3 parachutes. So the guy who knows how to cure cancer says, "I’m jumping. I can save many lives." Then the 46th president, Joe Biden, says, "I’m taking the 2nd one." So there is only one left. Donald Trump says to the 7-year-old girl, "I have lived a long life. You can take the next one." So the little girl says, "That’s ok; the 46th president took my backpack." Lol.

What has one head, one foot and four legs? A: A Bed

Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it's over your head!

Q: How many letters are in The Alphabet? A: There are 11 letters in The Alphabet

Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy)

Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle)

Q: David's father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and ? A: David!

Q: If you were in a rainforest, what would be the first thing you put on? A: The radio!

What do you call a man with no legs?

Neil (kneel)

What did one casket say to the other casket?

"Is that you coughin'?"

What did the Chinese man say to his wife?

I'll chin you later.

I would make a 9/11 joke, but it just wouldn't land.

Best friend *holds a sign up that says "what gender are you?"*

Me: Uh, male?..

Best friend *then unfolds paper so it reads "what gender are you attracted to?"*

Me: You silly goose.

*Silence for like three seconds*

Me: Still male though-

What instrument do people like to listen to while having sex?

A sex-a-phone.

You know what you could use? An orphan as a punching bag.

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Teacher: "Okay, so how are you going?"

Student: "I'm not going."

Teacher: "Oh, so you're a wheelchair person?"

Wife: Honey! Do you like tea?

Husband: No, I like after "T"!

It means: the letter "U": you!

One day, he started crying out of nowhere. Everyone started crying with him.

There was a crying pandemic going around.

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches!

What happens when two pieces of bread from the same loaf have sex?

They become in-bread.

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

Social distancing.

The Bigfoots had a campfire. One Bigfoot asked what should we roast next. The other replied, "Maybe a penis and a girl."

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me!"

Why is the wheel the best invention?

Because it's wheely wheely great!

Why was the Ethiopian baby crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.