Humor
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing, then his friend calls and he is groaning. He said he was having cramps, so the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, turn it up to 40%!" So he does, and his friend throws up, so he said, "Doc, turn it up to 100%!" and his friend dies.
America: I'm going to build a wall.
Nazi: Been there.
Soviet Union: Done that.
Bean.
Why are there so many jokes about Chuck Norris, but not about Bruce Lee?
Bruce Lee was no joking matter.
If you ever have a gay friend whose comatose, tell his family he/she was a fruit. Now he/she's a vegetable, at least they're still in the produce section.
What’s the worst part of being a pedophile?
Getting the blood out of your clown suit.
Yo Father, don't use the baptism bath. I cleaned my anal plug in there.
What?
The holy water gets all the ass off. Don't mind the white stuff. *clears throat*
What do you call the bear that pushes all the other bears into the pool?
The dry bear.
What do you call a person whose Lymphoma keeps recurring?
A Lymphomaniac.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words:
Alahu-Akbar.
Where does a Muslim like to go and eat?
Allah's snackbar!
Hey, did you know Paul Walker's gay?
Why do you say that?
Because he likes to wrap himself around long, old wood.
How do you spell "cognitive mess?"
J.O.E. B.I.D.E.N.
Dude, has anyone made a joke about small foreheads? Oh wait... they would be nonexistent.
Sell PC.
Go to Croatia.
Try to fly to the US to meet female.
US won't let me in.
End up in Norway.
Female leaves me.
Female gets arrested by feds.
Feds read all my messages and see my dick pics.
Just another day in the defib life.
I met a really greedy oyster. It was quite shellfish.
Sharb Glarv Jug jug Milky Jar jar Pobbies Mm yum yum Rawr Big pooboes.
"Are you taco to me? I nacho friend."
Q: Why was Barbie kicked out of the toy box?
A: She sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie to me!"
I get knocked down, but I get up again, as long as I have 46 chromosomes.