Humor

Why does new pavement smell like butt?

In other words you can also call it asphalt.

Ass-phalt.

Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"

Who wants to laugh about life with me?

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!

What do you call a nervous zucchini?

An edgy veggie.

A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

I find it difficult to count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept.

I can't say the next one because I have a "huit" allergy.

I was at a concert in the front row, and I shouted something to the band's guitarist. He took it the wrong way and responded: "I'm going to go down there and hit you with my guitar!"

And I replied: "Is that a death fret?"

Jokes are like food, not everyone has it.

I would say a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't land well.

I'd tell you a joke about my boyfriend's dick, but it's a private joke.

What happens when animals do a squat?

It doesn't become pretty...

What do you call a banana that peels itself?

Appealing!

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two!

A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.

The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book.

What did Daveon say when he saw a spider? "I'm Dave-on with this!"

What's the similarities between anonymous and a cow? I think you know...

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"