Humor

I was at a concert in the front row, and I shouted something to the band's guitarist. He took it the wrong way and responded: "I'm going to go down there and hit you with my guitar!"

And I replied: "Is that a death fret?"

Jokes are like food, not everyone has it.

I would say a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't land well.

I'd tell you a joke about my boyfriend's dick, but it's a private joke.

What happens when animals do a squat?

It doesn't become pretty...

What do you call a banana that peels itself?

Appealing!

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two!

A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.

The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book.

If LEO were a spice, she’d be flour... BLAND and FORGETTABLE!

What did Daveon say when he saw a spider? "I'm Dave-on with this!"

How do rappers like their coffee? With a lot of flow creamer.

What's the similarities between anonymous and a cow? I think you know...

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

What happens when you have dry elbows at work?

You don't have any elbow grease to put into it.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”

At what point does a joke become a dad joke?

When it disappears and never returns home.