Humor
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
Is that ass a water barrier 'cause dam[n]?
You look so pretty. Not at all gross today.
I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!
Latias is red.
Latios is blue.
You should always remember to put up your curtains because I Pikachu.
Memes
Who said white people can't jump?
Look at the footage from 9/11.
What is the difference between a guy with cancer and the Twin Towers?
Nothing, they both fell.
I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day...
... And pulled a mussel.
Whenever I make a 9/11 joke, it bombs.
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
The job keeps sucking after 5 years.
Imagine you are getting eaten by an alligator. What do you do?
Stop imagining!
What did one aborted baby say to the other? Nothing. They're both dead.
Scan my wrist for 75% off!
How do people grade pedophiles?
1st grade to 8th grade.
(I know it's orphan jokes but still)
"DEEZ NUTS"
What game can an emo play on their wrists without an ink pen?
Tic-tac-toe.
What do you call a Chinese boy throwing poo?
Yung Flung Dung.
What’s the similarity between my dick and my girlfriend?
I beat both of them.
BF: Babe, I have two questions.
GF: Ok, ask!
BF: Where have you been all my life?
GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?
BF: Can you please go back there?
What's an orphan's least favorite joke?
Dad jokes.